


The Signs We Didn't See

by ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl, Spunky0ne



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance/Angst, Suicide (minor character - OC), VictUuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-01-06 08:34:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18384815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl/pseuds/ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spunky0ne/pseuds/Spunky0ne
Summary: Awash in his happiness at finally being married to Yuuri, Victor has no idea what is about to take place. A heartbreaking loss leaves the newlyweds devastated and leaves Victor wondering if what happened could be his fault…Warning: This story deals with the topic of suicide and the devastating consequences. If you or anyone you know is, or could be contemplating suicide, please reach out for help. This story is dedicated to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide.





	1. Kiss the Groom and Make Him Cry

Victor stood in front of a three panel, full length mirror, watching as his best man helped him dress for the wedding about to take place. He smiled affectionately at the reflection of his blonde, blue-eyed friend, but his expression betrayed more than a little anxiety.

“It’s hard to believe this is happening,” the two men said at the same time.

They paused in their efforts, breaking into amused smirks at the oddity, then the two laughed and hugged each other.

“It does seem kind of strange, though,” Victor commented, “To be honest, I resisted falling in love for a long time.”

He paused, lowering his eyes for a moment.

“I know,” Patya said reassuringly, laying a hand on Victor’s forearm, “but whether or not you meant to fall in love again, here it is. We don’t decide everything, you know. Some things just happen because they are meant to.”

Patya finished tying Victor’s tie for him, then stepped aside to do a final inspection.

“And sometimes, things we thought were meant to happen…just don’t. The important thing is that you are happy.”

“I am happy,” Victor confessed, “happier than I ever thought I could be. Yuuri is…so very special. And to think, all of this time while I was agonizing over whether I could ever fall in love again…even before that, while I was trying and failing and trying again and failing, Yuuri was out there, loving me already and just waiting for the time to come when we would meet on the ice. I mean, he didn’t dream that I would ever notice him. I’m so thankful for those little girls posting that video of Yuuri performing my free skate. It’s because of that video that all of this happened.”

Victor sighed contentedly, not noticing the slight change in his best man’s bearing. Patya’s looked aside focusing his attention once again on Victor’s clothing.

“Well, you should never worry that you failed in any way with me,” he commented softly, “I was the one who left, so if anyone failed someone, I failed you.”

Victor gave his friend a kind smile.

“We failed together,” he assured Patya, “You may have left, but I’m sure I gave you a reason. There are always two sides. The important thing is that you are still my very best friend. We didn’t lose that, even though we failed at love. I’m glad that you’re here. I can’t imagine doing this without you beside me. Yuuri is glad you’re here too. I appreciate how you’ve reached out to him and helped him feel comfortable with the move to Saint Petersburg.”

Patya’s blue eyes closed for a moment and he bit at his lips forcing them to keep smiling.

“What are best friends for?” he mused half-heartedly.

Victor took a steadying breath and turned his attention to the mirror, swallowing hard as he thought about Yuuri going through the same preparation in another room, with his sister, Mari and the rest of his family supporting him.

“How does it look, Patya?” the silvery-haired Russian asked his longtime friend, “It needs to be perfect. After all, I don’t marry the love of my life every day.”

Patya hesitated, admiring Victor’s perfect body and the handsome tuxedo he wore. His eyes grew affectionate as the image took him back to a similar scene before his friend’s first competition in the senior men’s division.

_“Stop fidgeting,” Patya laughed as he tied the blue sash at his anxious boyfriend’s waist, “You’re going to be fine…and you’re going to win.”_

_“Hmm, you’re that sure?” Victor asked, looking at his newly shortened hair and biting his lip nervously at his own reflection, “I wish I could be. Do you think they’ll even know who I am?”_

_Patya grinned and moved in to embrace him, placing a bracing kiss on Victor’s frowning mouth and bringing back his lover’s charming smile instantly._

_“Of course they’ll know it’s you,” he chuckled, “Everyone knows how you like surprising people, and this is a very good surprise.”_

_He sighed, standing behind Victor and curling an arm around his waist._

_“Victor Nikiforov, you have transformed yourself from a fairy prince to a real one. After tonight, the world will be at your feet…and I will be lucky to be able to say that the one you love…is me.”_

_Victor gave him a melting smile and sank into his embrace._

_“Forget the rest of the world. I’d be happy to just be your real prince forever. You know that, don’t you, Patya?”_

_Patya stepped back slightly, admiring Victor’s breathtakingly handsome and more mature look._

_“No,” he said softly, curving a palm around his lover’s soft cheek, “The world needs beauty like yours. There are a lot of things in the world that steal people’s happiness, Vitya…things like war, shocking crimes and devastating events. Even too many little things can pile up and make people’s hearts heavy.”_

_He moved in closer and took Victor’s face in his hands, looking deeply into the silvery-haired skater’s dreamy blue-green eyes._

_“I guarantee you, when people look at you, when they see your beautiful costumes, hear that wonderful music and watch you dance the way you do on the ice, for that time while you are out there, you make all of their sadness and their fears disappear. Your performance makes your fans happy, right down to the core. That…is your gift, Vitya. That is why everyone loves you. That…is why I love you so much.”_

“Patya!”

Victor’s sudden exclamation jarred his friend out of the memory, and Patya felt a jolt inside at finding himself pressed up against his surprised ex-lover, with Victor’s back pushed up against the mirror and his blue-green eyes filled with shock.

“What are you doing?” Victor asked in a panicked voice, shivering as Patya’s grip on him tightened and he leaned forward, forcing a sudden, impulsive kiss.

Victor struggled underneath his hands and after a moment, pushed him away, his blue-green eyes flashing with confusion and anger.

“Why the hell would you do that?” he snapped furiously, “Are you drunk already? What were you thinking?”

Patya stared back at Victor in silence, stymied by his own behavior and at the same time very much wanting to kiss his former lover again.

“You are my best friend! My _brat_! Why in god’s name would you step over that line _now_? Today, of all days? Why, Patya?” Victor scolded him.

“S-sorry,” Patya managed, finding his voice, “I am sorry, Vitya. It was wrong, I know.”

“It was wrong?” Victor asked scathingly, “Is that all you have to say? _It was wrong_ , Patya? It wasn’t just wrong. It was unthinkable! Yuuri trusts you! I trusted you. Why would you mess that up by insulting us both at our wedding like that?”

“I’m sorry,” Patya said more softly, “I don’t know what came over me. I was drinking a bit. I…I didn’t mean it.”

Victor’s anger faded slightly as he read the more penitent expression on his former lover’s reddened face. He took a breath and relaxed a little, calming as he continued.

“Why were you drinking?” he asked, frowning, “Is there something going on? If there’s something wrong, then you should just tell me.”

Patya lowered his gaze again and shook his head.

“Now is not the time for that,” he said quietly, “I apologize for my behavior, Vitya. I promise I will not ever let it happen again.”

“But, why did this happen?” Victor persisted, “Why did you kiss me like that? That was not the kiss you give a best friend getting married to someone else. That was a lover’s kiss, Patya!”

“I know,” Patya said sadly, “I meant it when I said I was sorry. I didn’t mean to actually kiss you.”

“Patya, what is going on with you?” Victor asked more worriedly, studying his old friend’s anguished visage, “I thought we settled things ages ago. I forgave you for leaving me for the woman you married. I remained your friend. I’ve helped take care of your children, especially after their mother died.”

“I know. You have been the perfect friend, just like you were the perfect boyfriend before,” Patya confessed, tears coming to his eyes, “I don’t mean to threaten that. It was an accident. I swear to you, it will never happen again. I won’t let it. Just…before you marry Yuuri, I have to tell you.”

“I don’t know if I can hear this,” Victor said, paling, “Patya, you should go.”

“No,” his friend said firmly, taking hold of Victor’s forearms and holding him still with their eyes locked, “I need to say this, Vitya. It’s God’s own truth and you need to know. I apologized for leaving you, but I was never honest about why.”

“I know why,” Victor said in a shaky voice, his face going a shade whiter, “You wanted a _family_! I couldn’t give you that. I understood that. I let you go.”

“Vitya, that was a lie I told you…to protect you.”

“What?” Victor exclaimed, giving him a confused look.

“I know you don’t remember very well the last night that you and I were together, Vitya.”

“I don’t want to remember that,” Victor said, coloring, “You were married to her for almost two years already…but you came to my house that night…”

“And we got drunk and made love,” Patya finished, “I didn’t tell you, but…”

“No!” Victor hissed, covering Patya’s mouth with his hand, “Don’t say a word more. Not right now. You are my best friend and you are my best man. You need to go out there and stand up for Yuuri and for me. When that is over, you can explain to both of us, anything that you need to. I understand that me getting married to someone else is hard for you. I, of all people know that, because after you left me, I came to your wedding. I stood there and watched you vow to love, honor and cherish Letya instead of me!”

“And I did,” Patya agreed, “I gave Letya and the children all of the love I wanted to give to you. Vitya, I will stop, but I do need to tell you that there is nothing in my life that I regret more than leaving you. Letya knew that I was going against my heart and she comforted me as I got over you. I could not have asked for a better wife, and I honored her for as long as she lived. Then, I punished myself for making her do all of that by never confessing that…that leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t come back to you, even after she died, because I didn’t want to forget the gift she was. I didn’t deserve her, just like I don’t deserve you. Vitya, I only left you because I was too cowardly to marry you and try to find a way to have children we could raise together. I was afraid because you were a celebrity, and we couldn’t even really be married in Russia. I was afraid of someone trying to hurt us because we were men who were in love and that is not accepted there. In truth, I was afraid to fight for our love. I see now how stupid that was, and I am happy that you are marrying Yuuri and having the life that we once wanted.”

“Then, why?” Victor asked in an agonized voice, “Why would you endanger our friendship by kissing me like that? On my wedding day?”

Patya’s expression softened and he released Victor’s arms and took his hands instead.

“I am sorry, Vitya. I really didn’t mean it.”

Victor gave him a wounded look.

“It _felt_ like you meant it,” he said sadly, “Thinking about it, I suppose it makes sense that if you have regrets, this would be the time they would be at their worst. You’ve apologized several times and I trust your promise that it will never happen again.”

Patya gave Victor a heartbroken look.

“Even now, you can forgive me?” he asked, blinking back tears, “Vitya, you truly deserve an angel like your Yuuri. You were an angel to me. I would have nothing without you.”

“Stop it!” Victor said, regaining a measure of equilibrium as his anger faded, “We had a wonderful love affair that lasted for two years. It was a good two years and I don’t regret falling in love with you.”

“Are you sure?” Patya asked, smirking and shaking his head ruefully, “The hell I gave you after…”

“Don’t think about that anymore,” Victor said firmly, “We are family now. We are like brothers. We will always have that.”

“Yes,” Patya said gratefully, “of course we will. I wish you and Yuuri every happiness.”

“You don’t mean that,” Victor accused him half-heartedly, “any more than I could really mean that when I wished you the same at your wedding to Letya. But I promise you, it will get better. And if you just keep trying. If you just keep going, I _know_ you will find love again, Patya.”

“Eh,” Patya sighed ruefully, “I had true love and I stupidly let it get away. Now, I have two children, and I am committed to doing the right thing for them. No matter what, I will see that they have everything they need.”

“They already do,” Victor said, embracing his friend firmly, “Those two just need their father.”

Patya breath caught for a moment and he hugged Victor more tightly.

“Yes, they do,” he agreed softly, “And _he will be there for them._ ”

The two men let go of each other as a knock sounded on the dressing room door.

“Vitya,” Yakov’s voice called from outside the door, “it’s time now.”

Victor and Patya took steadying breaths and their eyes met more warmly again.

“Come, _brat_ ,” Victor said encouragingly, “It’s never good to keep a loved one waiting.”

The two left the dressing room and met Yakov, who guided the two to their place in front of the gathering of family and friends.

_Yuuri has more family here, of course, because my parents died of an accident, and I have no siblings. That’s why I feel so attached to Patya, since we remained such close friends, even after he broke up with me. I have a few cousins who came, and an aunt and uncle, but Yakov and Lilia seem more like family, since they practically raised me when my parents died. I was living in the dorms at the skating academy by then, so losing my parents didn’t even seem real for awhile. I only went back to my childhood home once after they died…and Patya was with me…just a friend, then, but his friendship, his brotherhood was everything while I was adjusting to losing my parents. I had so many fears, and he was so kind. It was probably a mistake becoming lovers. We could have lost our friendship too, but we didn’t. And at different times, Patya and I have really been there for each other._

He stole a glance at his friend, who stood, smiling warmly, at his side and showing no sign of the sadness and confusion from before.

_I’m worried about him. He was acting different today, and it wasn’t just that he kissed me. I’ve been feeling something was off since we arrived in Denmark for the wedding. I thought it was just nerves and the stress of it hitting him that I have moved on love-wise. I didn’t do that for a long time, and I know he felt guilty for that. He’s not a bad person. I can understand why he left me. He was scared because gays are treated badly sometimes in Russia. In Saint Petersburg, it is easier, but Yuuri and I will have to be careful, just the same. It’s not unreasonable, what Patya did, although, I wish he would have told me about his fears back then. I would have tried to help him through them. I wonder why he couldn’t just tell me back then. We were so close._

Victor’s attention was brought back as the wedding march began to play on a piano in the room, and Toshiya and Hiroko led their white-clad son to meet Victor, Mari and Patya where they waited with the officiant.

_Yuuri looks nervous._

Victor’s eyes locked on his fiancé’s and Yuuri’s expression calmed almost instantly. He took a breath and walked forward more confidently, keeping his eyes on Victor and smiling as he reached the front of the room and Victor accepted his hand from Toshiya.

The rest of the day disappeared into a haze of happy laughter, food, wine and ecstatic celebration. Patya watched quietly as Victor and Yuuri danced for the first time together as spouses, then he nodded to Mari, and the two joined the celebrating couple on the dance floor. The celebration lasted until late into the night and was followed with an enthusiastic consummation in the grand suite of a nearby hotel. Soaked in joy and entwined with his new husband, Victor was distracted from what had happened before, relegating the whole incident to _things that are best forgotten_.

And as friends, he was sure that what happened would be forgotten…until late morning when the ringing of his cell phone brought Victor out of sleep and he felt an instant knot in his insides.

“Vitya,” Yakov’s voice said in a low, serious rumble Victor knew instantly was disaster, “You need to dress and come to the lobby. Patya seems to have had an _accident_. He…fell from the balcony outside his suite.”

Victor stiffened and barely heard the next words as a rushing went through his ears and his insides were heavily jolted.

“He didn’t survive the fall.”

_Patya?_

“Patya is dead.”


	2. Sea of Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor is shaken with the sudden death of his longtime friend.

_“Patya is dead_ , Vitya,” Yakov repeated.

Yuuri sat up in bed, his eyes rounding in dismay as Victor stiffened and a sob of agony escaped him as the phone dropped from his suddenly nerveless hand.

“Vitya!” Yakov’s voice shouted through the phone, “Vitya, answer me!”

“Vitya?” Yuuri called, his voice choking with concern.

Victor’s face had gone a deathly white and his body quivered as he stared sightlessly in front of him, as though frozen in place. Yuuri launched himself out of bed and across the room, calling Victor’s name urgently. Victor remained in place, shuddering as Yuuri’s hands came down on his shoulders and struggling to make his voice sound again.

“Vitya, what happened?” Yuuri pleaded, “Victor, talk to me!”

His overwhelmed husband forced out one word in a broken, guttural release.

“P-patya!”

Victor stiffened again, then came to his feet, barely taking a moment to tie his robe closed before he charged out of the room, heading for his friend’s room. The door stood open and two policemen waited in the hallway as others moved around the room inside.

“Patya!” Victor shouted desperately.

Yuuri ran out of the room behind him and grabbed him around the waist as he tried to push past the officers to enter the room.

“Vitya, stop!” he cried anxiously.

“Sir, you can’t go in there,” one of the policemen said in a sympathetic, but firm tone, “There is a police investigation going on. I’ll need to ask you to go to the lobby. They are questioning everyone who was present at the wedding last night.”

“B-but, he was in there,” Victor panted, “I walked him to the door before we said goodnight. We are supposed to…”

“I understand,” the policeman said, nodding to his partner briefly, “He was close to you?”

Victor couldn’t expel any intelligible words. He loosed a ragged sigh and nodded.

“They were close,” Yuuri told the policemen, whose partner took off his coat and wrapped it around Victor’s shoulders, “They were like brothers. He was our best man.”

“Come now,” said the second policeman, “I am Officer Brouwer. I’m going to walk you and…?”

“Yuuri,” Yuuri supplied, “I am Victor’s husband. We were married last night.”

“I’m going to walk you and Yuuri to the lobby, where some of your family and friends are gathering.”

“N-no!” Victor managed shakily, “I want to…I have to see him. Are you sure it’s…? Do you…? Should I make sure it’s…?”

The officer gave Yuuri a tragically sad look and shook his head very slightly.

“Victor, you don’t need to do that. Someone has already confirmed his identity for us.”

“Patya!” Victor sobbed, struggling to pull free of his husband.

“Victor, stop!” Yuuri shouted, “You have to stop. This isn’t going to help anything.”

“I’m so sorry,” Officer Brouwer said, looking into Victor’s teary eyes, “but there is nothing that can be done. Your friend did not survive the fall. Please, let us take you to be with your family.”

“Vitya,” Yuuri said, curving a hand around his distraught husband’s cheek and locking their eyes, “let’s go back to the room first and get ourselves dressed.”

“B-but…”

“There is nothing we can do,” Yuuri said sadly, “We should get dressed and go downstairs. Everyone is probably in shock. We should go and be with them.”

Victor’s expression went from tortured to ghostly.

“What is it?” Yuuri asked worriedly.

“Liev and Akilina!” Victor exclaimed, “They’re with their grandparents. Yuuri, I have to…call them. They need to hear this from me, not from the TV!”

“Give me the number and I’ll call them for you,” Yuuri offered, “You’re not in a state to be doing this. I’ll make sure they know what we do.”

“C-could you?” Victor asked, closing his eyes and still struggling to calm himself.

“Go and get dressed,” Yuuri said, removing the officer’s coat and handing it back to him, “Thank you, Officer Brouwer. I’ll take care of Victor now.”

The policeman watched for a moment as Victor started towards his and Yuuri’s suite, then he touched Yuuri’s arm warningly.

“Your husband still seems very unsettled,” he said softly, “Why don’t you let me come and help watch over him while you make that call?”

Yuuri took a shaky breath as he realized the deeper meaning of the words.

_I don’t think Victor would do anything to harm himself, but…Officer Brouwer is right that he’s in an awful state right now. I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling. Patya’s been like his own brother._

“Okay,” he said, moving to follow Victor, “thank you.”

Victor reached the suite and walked to the closet, where he blindly selected something to wear as his spinning mind tried to make sense of what was happening. He barely registered the presence of his husband and the attending officer as he stumbled into the bathroom and Yuuri quickly dialed the number of the children’s grandparents.

“Hello?” a woman’s voice answered.

“Hi Eva, it’s Yuuri Katsuki.”

“Yuuri!” Eva exclaimed in a pleased tone, “How was the wedding? I’m sure it was so beautiful for you and Vitya!”

“Oh, it was, but…Eva, something very serious has happened,” Yuuri related.

“Oh, is it Patya? Did he drink too much and pass out again. Poor thing. He’s better than he was just after our Letya died, but he sometimes…well, he is troubled by the past sometimes.”

“Eva, I am so sorry to have to tell you, but Vitya can’t, and he asked me to call you.”

“Yuuri, what happened? Is Patya all right? It’s him, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Yuuri answered solemnly, “We don’t know exactly how it happened, but…Patya fell from his hotel balcony.”

“What?”

“He was fine when Victor walked him to his room and they said goodnight, but we got a call from Yakov this morning and he told us that Patya fell from the balcony and he didn’t survive.”

“Oh my god…not again,” Eva whispered, “Those poor children.”

“The police are investigating, trying to get us some answers, but Victor was worried about the children hearing about this on the news.”

Eva was quiet for a moment, then Yuuri heard sniffing and low, urgent talking, then a man’s voice came on the line.

“Yuuri, it’s Filip,” the man said with forced calm, “Eva told me what happened. She’s too upset to talk. It’s like losing our daughter all over again for her. She’s very close to Patya. Tell Vitya, we will protect the children until we know what happened and decide what to tell them.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri said sadly, “I’m…so very sorry. Patya’s is like family to Vitya, and he’s been so good to me since I moved to Saint Petersburg. We’re going to get to the bottom of this. We’ll find out what happened.”

“And we will take care of the little ones. Assure Vitya they will be all right.”

“I will.”

Yuuri ended the call and found a change of clothes, then he joined Victor in the bathroom. Feeling the heavy tension around his hsuband, Yuuri quickly dressed himself, then moved closer to him, reading the pained expression on his face and the signs of the emotions that roiled beneath the surface, aching for release.

“V-vitya,” he said tentatively, “is there anything I can do?”

Victor swallowed hard and shook his head.

“Okay. It’s okay if you don’t feel like you can talk to me right now. I know this is really hard for you. I’m going to stay close to you and I’ll do anything you need me to.”

“You called them?”

“Yes. Eva and Filip said that they will protect the children until we know what happened and decide what to tell them.”

Victor’s eyes closed and a little tremor went through him.

“Thank you,” he managed quietly.

The two finished dressing and walked back out into the room, where they found Officer Brouwer stepping back in from the balcony. Yuuri stepped closer to Victor, linking their arms.

“Did you say we should go to the lobby?” Yuuri asked.

The officer studied Victor’s tightly controlled expression and still deathly pale face.

“Would it be more comfortable for me to bring someone here?”

Victor shook his head, but said nothing.

“We’ll go downstairs with everyone else,” Yuuri answered for him.

The three left the suite and walked past Patya’s room as they headed to the elevators. Victor slowed and stole a glance into the room, then he shivered under Yuuri’s hand that still held onto his arm. Yuuri’s worried brown eyes followed his gaze and he nudged Victor gently to get him moving again. The Russian skater remained silent as they rode the elevator down to the first floor, then the doors opened and the officer guided them away from the registration desk, where a number of reporters stood, talking to the hotel manager. They passed through a staff entrance, into one of the hotel’s conference rooms, where most of the wedding party had gathered.

“Vitya!” Lilia exclaimed, rushing forward and wrapping her arms around Victor in an unusually warm gesture, “You’re a mess, poor boy, but then, who can blame you?”

“I’m sorry, Vitya,” Yakov said sadly, moving to join them.

Victor took a shaky breath.

“Th-they are…absolutely sure?” he asked softly, peeking out from where Lilia’s arm had partially hidden his anguished face.

Yakov nodded.

“I identified him for the police,” he said softly, “It is Patya.”

“Okay,” Victor whispered, “I need to sit down.”

Yakov and Lilia guided him to a chair in the corner of the room and Victor sat and put his face in his hands.

“Yuuri,” Yakov said laying a hand on the Japanese skater’s arm, “there is a grief counselor over there. Stay with Vitya. I will go and bring her.”

“I’m not going to leave him,” Yuuri said firmly, “I’m staying right here.”

Yuuri sat down in a chair beside Victor.

“I’m right here,” he said softly, laying a hand on Victor’s shoulder, “I’m going to stay with you.”

Victor took a shaky breath and moved one hand to take hold of Yuuri’s. He couldn’t manage an answer, but he squeezed his husband’s hand in response and Yuuri leaned up against him supportively. Lilia remained on Victor’s other side with a hand on his other shoulder and her stern eyes watching for Yakov’s return.

“Dear god, what is taking that fool so long?” she complained almost immediately.

Her impatience seemed to bolster Victor, and he managed a weak smile.

“It’s okay,” he assured her, “It hurts, but I’m not going to fall apart right here.”

“It would be understandable if you did, poor thing. What a horrible accident.”

Victor breathed slowly, his head still ringing with the loss, but reality beginning to break through.

_It was an accident._

_It has to have been._

_Patya wouldn’t…_

But his mind returned to the dressing room and replayed the impromptu kiss and his angry reaction.

_Would he?_

_He seemed to accept right away that kissing me was wrong. He said it was a mistake, but he had seemed off since our arrival here. I was thinking that. I would have pushed him more to talk to me, but it was right before the ceremony. I told him we would talk later, but after the wedding, I walked him to his room and he seemed fine. I thought he was fine. He was smiling as we said goodnight. He told me I shouldn’t keep my new husband waiting._

_What was the last thing he said to me?_

_Just goodnight and my name. There was nothing else. So…it must have been that he had too much to drink. Maybe the room was warm and he just went out onto the balcony…_

“Victor?” a woman’s voice said quietly.

Victor’s breath caught and he startled at the sound.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” the woman apologized as Victor blinked and looked up at her almost sightlessly, “It looks like you’re still sort of processing things. Would you like to go somewhere a little more private?”

_I don’t want to tell them. They might start to think that he…that Patya…_

“Victor?” Yuuri called softly, touching his face.

_It was just a mistake, right? It was pre-wedding jitters that made him act strangely. Patya has two children and a good life in Saint Petersburg. He always smiles and he is kind to everyone. He was…he was just nervous about the wedding. It wasn’t like that. He wouldn’t…_

_No._

“Victor,” the woman tried again, “I am Doctor Voss. I know you’ve gotten a bad shock from the death of your friend. I want to help. It doesn’t seem like you feel able to talk right now. Do you think you can take some slow, deep breaths with me? Perhaps with Yuuri?”

Yuuri gave the doctor a trembling smile.

“That’s one of the things Victor does sometimes to help me through my panic attacks.”

“Exactly,” Voss said soothingly, “so, Victor, you already know that these breaths will help you feel better.”

Victor nodded briefly and cooperated quietly as Yuuri and the counselor breathed with him.

“Can you tell me what you are feeling in your body, Victor?” Voss asked after a few minutes of calming breaths.

“I-I don’t know,” Victor answered uncertainly, “I just feel kind of numb…and sick to my stomach.”

“You’ve had a real shock,” Voss acknowledged, “Do you feel pain in your stomach or just nausea?”

“Ah…just nausea. I feel dizzy too.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said reassuringly, “Lilia and I have got you.”

“Take a few more slow breaths with me,” Doctor Voss directed him, “In…and out. In…and out. Does that help?”

“I think so. Yes,” Victor affirmed, “I still don’t feel well, but it does feel better.”

“Excuse me,” said Officer Brouwer, rejoining the group, “How is Victor doing?”

“Better,” Victor answered, “Thank you, officer.”

“Victor,” Brouwer went on, “I know that now is a difficult time, but I do have some questions that I need to ask you.”

Victor gave him a small nod of assent.

“I will try,” he offered.

“Good,” the officer said approvingly, “First, I want to clarify, what was your relationship with Ipati Pechkin?”

Victor took a steadying breath.

“I know him as Patya,” he answered hesitantly, “W-we met when we were children. I had long hair. I kept it that way because it looked good for my programs, but the boys at the school were making fun of me and one of them tried to cut my hair with scissors. Patya jumped in and beat up the ones who were threatening me. Patya and I became best friends. We stayed that way. He was there for me when my parents died in a car accident when I was barely a teen. We dated for about two years before I cut my hair and joined the men’s singles division. But…we broke up when Patya said he wanted to have a family. I knew I couldn’t give him that, so I let him go. We remained friends, and we grew to be like brothers. I was always at his house and his wife and children and I were all close.”

“Your friendship must have been strong to endure with all of that,” the officer said appreciatively.

“It is…eh… _was_ ,” Victor corrected himself, “Patya and I were always close. That never changed, even once we broke up. It only got stronger.”

“So, you knew Patya very well?” the officer prompted him.

“Yes,” Victor answered.

“And…if something was bothering him, he would tell you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Now, I understand from other witnesses here, that just prior to the ceremony, Patya was with you in a dressing room?”

“He was.”

“Did you talk casually before the wedding? I mean, besides just talking about the ceremony about to happen?”

“We did,” Victor affirmed,

“And while you and Patya were talking, do you recall him saying anything indicating that anything was wrong, if anything was bothering him?”

Victor flashed back suddenly, flinching visibly as the memory struck him. The officer’s eyes narrowed curiously.

“Victor,” he said more sternly, “do you know of any possible reason that Ipati Pechkin might have been depressed? Could something have made him distraught enough to want to take his own life?”


	3. Bleeding Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor receives a note from Patya.

Victor remained still as a stone and breathless as the officer’s words echoed in his shocked mind.

_Do I know of any reason Patya would want to die?_

He wanted to scream at the man for asking such a thing, but at the same moment, his mind replayed the memory of Patya’s strong body pushing his up against the mirror in the dressing room, and the heavy, desperate feeling of his friend’s mouth assaulting his.

_Desperate?_

_Or was it something else?_

_I felt his body shaking, and I thought it was with lust, but what if it was fear? Fear of what he was about to…_

_No!_

_Patya would not ever…not ever…_

“Mr. Nikiforov?” the policemen prompted him gently, “Did you remember something?”

Victor drew in a shaky breath.

“No,” he said firmly, “and no, Patya had no reason to want to kill himself. Everything was fine. Patya was fine. What happened…was just a terrible accident.”

_It has to be._

_Patya would never…_

“Are you sure about that?” the officer asked, watching him closely.

Victor met his eyes squarely, frowning disapprovingly.

“Yes, that’s what I said. I don’t know of any reason that Patya would have wanted to harm himself. He seemed fine when I saw him before the wedding, and during the celebration, and he was drunk, but he was also fine when I left him last night. I wish I could tell you something helpful, but I just don’t know anything.”

The officer regarded him silently for a moment, then nodded briefly.

“Thank you, Mr. Nikiforov,” he said solemnly, “Sir, I am very sorry for the loss of your friend.”

Victor swallowed hard and looked down at his hands.

“Thank you,” he managed softly.

The officer turned his attention to Yuuri.

“Mr. Katsuki, is there anything that you can add, anything you saw or heard that might aid in our investigation.”

“No, no, I’m sorry,” Yuuri answered, “Officer Brouwer, are you finished questioning us? If so, I’d like to take Victor back upstairs. This has been really difficult for him.”

“No, Yuuri,” Victor interrupted, “I want to stay here.”

Yuuri’s frown deepened.

“But, why?” he asked, “We’ve already told them what we can, and I’m sure that we’ll be informed of any news. Yakov will see to it.”

Victor gave him a look of uncertainty.

“It’s fine to take Victor upstairs or to remain here,” the officer assured them, “however, I am going to need to hold onto your passports for right now.”

“What?” Why?” Yuuri asked, giving the man a surprised look, “Why would you need to do that?”

“It is just standard procedure while we finish the initial investigation. I’m sure that you will be completely cleared of any suspicion and allowed to leave in a day or so. We will likely keep most of the wedding party here until that investigation is finished. I am sorry for the inconvenience, sirs.”

“It’s fine,” Victor said quietly, “You are just doing your job. I want, as much as anyone, to know what happened to Patya. Yuuri and I will remain here for as long as you want us to.”

“But…” Yuuri began.

“Yuuri,” Victor said, looking up at his spouse, “you understand, when we return to Saint Petersburg, I have to explain to Letya’s parents and to the children what happened here. I can only do that once the investigation is done anyway. It’s best if we stay. Come now, I think you were right that we should wait upstairs. We at least have to start making some phone calls to postpone our honeymoon.”

Yuuri’s face fell and he gave Victor a nod of assent.

“Okay, whatever you want. We can go upstairs.”

The two took their leave of the others and wordlessly rode the elevator up to the top floor of the hotel. Victor kept his eyes on the floor, carefully not looking at the open door to Patya’s suite, where the police team was still investigating. He entered the hotel room and sat down on the bed, putting his face in his hands and breathing slowly.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” he said in a calmer voice, “It just doesn’t seem real. It seems like Patya must just still be sleeping in his room. It doesn’t make any sense that he is gone.”

“I know,” Yuuri agreed softly, moving to sit beside his anguished husband, “Victor, I’m so sorry. I’m really sad too, but I know this has got to hurt you the most of anyone.”

Yuuri bit his lip, thinking for a moment and watching Victor closely as he continued.

“I just…there’s something I want to ask you.”

Victor looked back at him questioningly and Yuuri paused before continuing.

“When the policeman was questioning you, I noticed something. I think that the officer noticed it too. At least, it seemed like he did, so I thought we should talk about it.”

“That we should talk about what?” asked Victor.

“Well,” Yuuri went on, “when Officer Brouwer was questioning you, when he was asking you about the time just before the wedding, while you and Patya were in the dressing room, you got a kind of…I don’t know, a strange look on your face. It looked like you were remembering something unpleasant. As I said, I think Officer Brouwer noticed too. I just want to ask you. Did something happen between you and Patya before the wedding?”

“No,” Victor said quickly, trying to brush him off.

But Yuuri’s hand touched his face and his husband looked more deeply into his eyes.

“I think something did,” Yuuri said solemnly, “I can see it did. It’s right there, in your eyes, Victor. It’s okay. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Victor went silent for a moment, his hand rising unsteadily and his fingers touching his lips for a moment before he answered.

“You’re right,” he confessed softly, “Something did happen in the dressing room. I’ll tell you, Yuuri, but understand, I really don’t think it relates to…to what happened.”

Yuuri took a steadying breath and nodded.

“Tell me what happened,” he urged his husband, “Did you and Patya have a disagreement?”

Victor breathed in slowly, closing his eyes, then he let the breath out and met Yuuri’s eyes again.

“For some reason,” he said tentatively, “Patya kissed me.”

Yuuri sat still as a stone, his breathing stopped and his expression revealing nothing of his thoughts as he waited for Victor to continue.

“I don’t know why he did that,” Victor went on, “and I got angry at him for it. I pushed him away and I scolded him. And right away, Patya said that it was a mistake. He said he didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“Patya kissed you?”

“Yes.”

“And this hadn’t happened for a long time?” Yuuri inquired softly.

“For a very long time,” Victor assured him, “The last time that Patya and I crossed that line was about eight years ago.”

Yuuri’s breath caught for a moment and Victor nodded, flushing slightly.

“Patya and Letya had been married for a little while and everything seemed fine. I had moved on, and I thought he had too, but one night, he came to my house. That wasn’t unusual. We were still close friends, even though we had broken up when Patya wanted to have a family.”

“I remember you telling me that.”

“We had dinner together and a few drinks, and we were watching a movie, when suddenly, he put his arm around me and leaned against me. At first, I thought he just drank too much and needed to walk around or something, but he pushed me down on the sofa and started kissing me.”

“Did you stop him then?”

Victor gave him a tortured look.

“You have to understand, I hadn’t had a relationship with anyone in almost two years and it killed me when Patya left me. He told me that he still had feelings for me. He acted like he wanted to say more, but he started crying and he kept on kissing me. I didn’t know what to do, Yuuri. He was married to Letya, and I didn’t want to hurt her, but Patya was beside himself and he started to make love to me, and I couldn’t stop him.”

“What? Are you saying he forced you, Victor?” Yuuri asked, paling.

“No,” Victor said quickly, “God, no, Patya would _never_ hurt me or anyone else. I just mean that I was so worried about how unhappy he was that…I just gave in and let him make love to me. I thought that it was what he wanted, but he looked even worse after we…after it happened. I promised him that I would never tell Letya about it. After all, we were both men and there was nothing that could happen because of it, right? It was just…something we could pretend didn’t happen. I was so ashamed of myself that I sort of disassociated with both Patya and Letya for awhile, then came word that Letya was pregnant with the twins.”

Yuuri slipped an arm around Victor and laced together the fingers of one of their hands.

“That must have been really hard for you.”

“It was,” Victor confessed, “The truth is, I hadn’t really gotten over Patya when he came back to me that night…and knowing that Letya was having his child, and that it was something I could never do just…destroyed me inside. I shut down. I hid from everyone. Luckily, it was in the off season, so it didn’t hurt my career. But it just hurt me so badly. I didn’t think anything could hurt like that, Yuuri.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said, squeezing his hand, “Victor, I’m really sorry that happened to you.”

Eventually, I calmed down. I stepped back and I realized there was nothing I could do. So, I tried to move on. I dated people, but it just never felt right. So…finally, I just decided that I need to first be strong on my own. I needed to be able to function alone, before I could hold up my end of a relationship again. And it was then that I began to win the string of world titles that I have to my credit now.”

“So,” Yuuri said quietly, “Patya was the reason? He was the one who made you think it was best to go it alone like you did?”

“It wasn’t Patya’s fault,” Victor sighed, tears coming to his eyes, “He just wanted a family. He’s not a monster for wanting that, and I wanted that for him. And…that’s why, when we found out that Letya was dying, and she sent me…”

Victor broke off as a knock sounded on the hotel room door. Yuuri let go of Victor and got up to answer it. He opened the door and his breath caught for a moment as he recognized Officer Brouwer, Doctor Voss, and one of the other officers who had been examining Patya’s hotel suite.

“Officer Brouwer,” Yuuri said, frowning curiously, “Doctor Voss and…?”

“This is my partner, Officer Visser,” Brouwer explained, “I’m sorry to bother you and Victor, but in his examination of the decedent’s hotel room, he found a sealed note that has your husband’s name on it. It has to be taken as evidence, but we thought that Victor should be allowed to open it. We will need to know its contents as part of our investigation. We have Doctor Voss present to assist Victor, as the contents of the letter could be difficult for him to see.”

Yuuri stepped back to allow the officers to enter the room. The two men and the counselor crossed the room and Officer Brouwer handed Victor the sealed envelope. His hands shaking, Victor opened it and unfolded the paper inside.

 _Dearest Vitya,_ Victor read aloud, _I want to begin by apologizing, once again, for my behavior before the wedding. It was wrong of me to burden you with that kiss. You have been the perfect friend to Letya and to me, and it is because of you that we were able to have our family. I know I hurt you very badly back then, and I hurt you again when I confused you with that kiss. Please tell Yuuri that I apologize to him too. I don’t know what came over me._

_The past several years without Letya…raising Liev and Akilina alone have been hard. But even though I hurt you, you helped me so much to recover, and you helped our children too. I cannot thank you enough. You truly have been like a devoted brother to me. Maybe you wonder why, once things had settled, why I never came back to you. The truth is that I wanted to very much. But…just as I was afraid to marry you because of the prejudice against gay couples in our homeland, I was equally terrified that if we married, the authorities could try to take the children away from us. Of course, I knew that Letya’s parents would probably help us, but…I still carry so much guilt for hurting you in the first place. I am so sorry for that, and for everything else. I wish that I was a stronger person, but too much has happened, and my heart is too broken to take any more._

_Vitya, I just can’t do this anymore. For too long, the pain has been eating away at me inside. I feel like nothing is left. I feel like the shell of a person. I drink all of the time and I can’t sleep. The stress is taking a toll, not just on me, but on the children. I don’t know what to do._

_I need you to do something for me._

_It’s something I can’t ask of anyone else…just you. I know it will be a burden, but unlike me, you are so very strong. I know. I have seen how strong you can be. Through everything, through all of the hurt I caused you, you never stopped being there for Letya, for our children, for me._

_Vitya, I need you to forgive me. Please forgive me for leaving you. I never, for a moment, stopped loving you. I let my fears get the best of me and I left you to try to live a “normal” life. But I’ve realized that it was never real. I did love Letya, but she was not the love of my life. I hurt her, I hurt you, and I hurt myself by living the lie I built. I am ready to let go of everything, but as I do, I want to do just one right thing._

_I have spoken to Letya’s parents and I have spoken to legal counsel about who would care for the children if anything happens to me. They, of course, are willing to care for the children, but they know how you have been there for all of us since Letya died, and they agree that you are the best choice to be guardian. I want you to know that Letya and I discussed what to do with guardianship if anything ever happened to me once she had passed. She agreed in front of her parents that you should be the children’s guardian, in that case._

Victor paused and tears began to slide down his face as he continued.

_I say again, my love, I am so sorry. I am sorry for leaving you before. I am sorry for burdening you for years. I am sorry I did not come back to you. And…most of all, I am sorry because I know if I just told you all of this, you would forgive me. But I could not take that, coming from you. I couldn’t look you in the eyes after everything and bear the weight of it. So, I am letting go of everything. The most precious things I have in life are you, Liev and Akilina now. As I leave this world, it is a comfort to me that you will be together._

_I love you, Vitya._

_Goodbye,_

_Patya_

The letter and envelope dropped from Victor’s hands and he put his face in his hands, crying silently as Doctor Voss sat down on one side of him and Yuuri sat down on the other. The two officers exchanged sympathetic glances and Officer Brouwer cleared his throat softly.

“Victor, Yuuri, as it is clear that this was a suicide and his own words make it clear that it was his decision to take his life, I see no reason that you need to remain in Denmark. If you wish to go back to Russia to see to Mr. Pechkin’s family, you are free to go. And…I also want to say how sorry I am for your loss.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri said softly, rubbing at his own damp eyes.

The officers left and Yuuri wrapped an arm around his inconsolable husband, meeting Doctor Voss’s eyes tentatively.

“How can I help Victor?” Yuuri asked, “What can I do?”

The counselor smiled sadly.

“You are already doing what you can,” she answered, touching Victor’s arm lightly in support, “There are a lot of heavy emotions that need to come out. Some will come now, but full recovery will be a process. I am happy to help you now and I will forward what information I can to a counselor in Russia, who will work with Victor and with you.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri said softly, “I know Victor can’t say so, but I know he appreciates it too.”

“Would you and Victor like some time alone?” Doctor Voss asked kindly, “I will just be down in the lobby, speaking to the other guests there.”

“Are you going to tell them?” Victor asked suddenly, his voice shaking, “Are you going to tell them what was in the…”

He paused, unable to force out the words.

Doctor Voss looked solemnly back at Victor, who had raised his head to meet her eyes.

“The contents of that note are private,” she said firmly, “as is anything we talk about. But Victor, you need to understand that the police will be ruling Patya’s death a suicide. That will be made public, as will the fact that he left a suicide note. There are going to be questions, and you need to prepare yourselves for that.”

“I understand,” Victor assured her.

“I’m going to go downstairs,” Doctor Voss said, heading to the door, “Please let me know if I can be of any more assistance to you.”

“Thank you,” Victor whispered.

He watched in silence as she left, closing the door behind her, then he collapsed against Yuuri, crying shamelessly and holding on to his husband for dear life.


	4. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri return to Saint Petersburg.

Yuuri sat quietly alongside Victor as the airplane they were in carried them on the long flight back to Saint Petersburg. Recalling Victor’s off and on crying jags that had interrupted his sleep and the nightmares that had brought him awake, shaken and teary-eyed, he was careful not to stare, but stole cautious glances at his new husband, from time to time, to read his emotional state.

Well used to keeping himself collected in public and also resigned to the fact that Patya was gone and there was nothing he could do, Victor sat in his seat with his blue-green eyes looking glazed and distant, his breathing slow and his mind carefully focused on the little, routine things happening around him…accepting the offer of more than a few alcoholic drinks to numb the pain, picking disinterestedly at his in-flight meal, listening to the pilot’s occasional announcements and looking silently out the window at the somber clouds.

“You look kind of tired,” Yuuri observed, picking up a travel pillow from his lap, “Want to put your head on my shoulder and sleep a little?”

Victor gave him a weary, but appreciative smile.

“I don’t think so,” he said calmly, “I would be worried about having another nightmare and scaring everyone if I woke up shouting or something. I will sleep when we get home.”

Yuuri let out a worried breath and frowned.

“Are you sure?” he asked tentatively, “You’ve barely slept in two days. I don’t mean to…”

“It’s okay,” Victor assured him, taking Yuuri’s slightly sweaty hand in his, “I’ve gotten by on very little sleep for longer, and I promise I will sleep as soon as we are in our own home. I just…don’t think that I can do that here.”

“Okay,” Yuuri said unhappily, “I wish there was something I could do. I hate seeing you like this.”

Victor’s lips managed a little, genuine smile.

“I know,” he answered, squeezing the hand he held and kissing Yuuri tenderly on the cheek, “And believe me, you are doing more for me than you realize.”

“I don’t feel like I’m doing anything,” Yuuri said in a frustrated voice, “I want to find a way to make some of the hurt go away. I know you’re going to have to hurt. Patya was your best friend. You were so close.”

“We were,” Victor acknowledged softly, “As close as we were, I just wonder why he didn’t tell me something…why he didn’t ask me for anything, why he did this without even giving me a chance to help him. We were friends. He knew that he could trust me and I would be there for him. I can’t figure out why he didn’t come to me.”

“Well, whatever his reasons, you must know he really cared about you,” Yuuri said reassuringly, “I don’t know, but maybe he thought he was somehow protecting you.”

He felt Victor stiffen suddenly in reaction to the words and his eyes widened as his husband gave a swift and angry response.

“He wasn’t protecting me. That’s not how you protect someone you care about. If he wanted to protect me, then he shouldn’t have _fucking killed himself_!” Victor shouted, tears returning to his eyes.

He sucked in a surprised breath as he realized what he had done and couldn’t help but notice the shocked and curious eyes of the other passengers turning in his direction.

“S-sorry,” he managed, putting his face in his hands.

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said comfortingly, curling an arm around Victor and guiding his head to a warm shoulder.

“I just…shouted in front of everyone,” Victor said in a humiliated tone, “They are going to think I’m crazy or something.”

As if to punctuate the comment, a stern looking man dressed in plain clothes, but followed by one of the flight attendants, approached the two skaters.

“Gentlemen, is there a problem?” he asked in Russian.

“No,” Victor said in a quiet, cautious manner, “I am…sorry for the disturbance. It won’t happen again.”

“That would be best,” the man replied, “You should also refrain from drinking any more alcohol while we are in flight.”

“I understand.”

“Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Nikiforov,” the man said solemnly.

Victor nodded silently and the man turned and sat down nearby.

“What was that? Who was that man?” Yuuri asked urgently, “What did he say to you?”

“He is anti-terrorism personnel,” Victor said softly, “He works for the Russian government. He was just warning me not to cause any more disturbances. It’s his job. Don’t worry about it.”

Yuuri gave his husband a skeptical look.

“ _You_ look pretty worried about it,” he commented dryly, “You went all pale when he talked to you.”

“Well, I just started shouting in the middle of a flight and probably scared everyone sitting near us,” Victor said off-handedly, “It’s fine, Yuuri. Just…let it go.”

Yuuri sighed and entangled his fingers with Victor’s, nuzzling closer to his husband and frowning worriedly at the tension he felt in Victor’s body.

_I can feel how much pain he’s in, but there’s nothing I can do except sit here and stay close to him. I can’t change what he’s going through. I can’t make it any easier, but I can support him._

_I just hope he’ll be all right. I’ve never seen Victor this unsettled before. It’s bad enough with what happened to Patya. Now, Victor has this guy thinking he’s going to cause some kind of trouble. They take that seriously in Russia. We’ll have to be careful._

Yuuri turned his attention to distracting Victor with small talk as the flight continued, and they landed uneventfully in Saint Petersburg some time later. The two disembarked the plane and walked to the baggage claim area, well aware that the stern looking man from the plane remained nearby, watching until they had their luggage and were on their way out of the terminal. As they arrived in the front of the airport, they spotted Yakov and Lilia waiting for them. The two moved in their direction, but just before reaching them, an angry male voice snapped something in Russian that made Victor’s body go instantly taut. The Russian skater whirled to face the one talking. Yuuri first thought it must be related to the incident on the plane, then reconsidered as he studied the unfamiliar man and woman more closely.

_They look more than angry._

_They look distraught._

He moved closer to Yakov and Lilia, who stepped forward to join Victor as he faced the two.

“Who is that? What did he say?” Yuuri asked.

“It is Patya’s parents,” Yakov said in a low, warning tone, “They just accused Vitya of killing their son.”

“Patya’s parents?” Yuuri mused, trying to think if he had ever met the two.

_I was introduced to Letya’s parents, and I guess I did think it was a little strange not to also meet Patya’s family. Victor and Patya never brought up the issue. In fact, they never talked about Patya’s family at all._

“Well?” Patya’s father inquired impatiently, switching to English as he spotted Yuuri, “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself? You _are_ the reason that our son is dead.”

“And not even a phone call?” demanded Patya’s mother, “We had to hear it on the news?”

“Well,” Victor said in a hard, cold voice that Yuuri had never heard him use before, “maybe if you hadn’t had him kidnapped and taken to that camp of horrors, years ago, he still would have been talking to you.”

“We sent our son to a _caring place_ so that he could get away from you and your reckless perversions,” Patya’s mother argued icily, her blue eyes blazing, “If it wasn’t for you, kidnapping him from the camp and keeping him away from _his family_ , we could have saved him!”

“You think you were saving him?” Victor answered angrily, “Do you even _know_ what they were doing to Patya in that place?”

“They were curing him of his mental illness!” Patya’s father shouted, “You should have let him be cured, and this never would have happened!”

“Are you _insane_?” Victor hissed, his eyes flashing and his hands clenching into fists at his sides, “Do you really think that teaching a boy to hate himself for being gay, locking him up, beating him and starving him is how you _cure him_? You _caused_ Patya’s mental illness by sending him there. And even though I got him out, he was damaged by what happened to him. Why else do you think he left me and married Letya, when he wasn’t _ever_ attracted to a woman? Why do you think he told me that he wanted to live a _normal life_ and he fought himself to the death to try to make it real? Patya was gay and he was in love with me. You hated that. You hated me for it. And you made Patya hate himself for it too…you and all of the others who intimidated him for just trying to live his own life. If _anyone_ is responsible for him throwing himself off of that balcony, it wasn’t the person who accepted him as he was…who _loved him_ exactly as he was.”

“My son was not gay,” Patya’s father insisted, stepping forward aggressively, “You perverted him. You changed him. You seduced him into sin…and now, he’ll burn in hell, just like you will someday.”

He punctuated the scathing words with a backhanded slap across Victor’s face. The stunned skater staggered back, putting a hand to his face as Yuuri, Yakov and Lilia stepped forward protectively. Patya’s incensed father paused, his lips curling as he lashed out again verbally.

“Don’t worry,” he growled, glaring at the four, “we learned from what happened to our son. We aren’t going to let it happen to our Patya’s children. We are going to sue for custody and you will _not_ be allowed to pollute their minds like you polluted my son’s.”

The two turned and strode out of the terminal, leaving Victor, Yuuri, Yakov, Lilia and a number of gawking observers looking after them. As soon as they were gone, Yuuri turned his attention to his husband, who still stood with one hand on his stinging cheek.

“Are you all right?” Yuuri asked anxiously, “He hit you pretty hard.”

“He did,” Victor agreed, wiping away a little trickle of blood from his beneath his nose, “They never accepted that Patya was gay. They always blamed me.”

“They still do,” Yakov said solemnly, “They are going to cause trouble for you. At least, they said that they will sue you for custody of the children.”

“I don’t think they know Patya wanted me to have custody of Liev and Akilina,” Victor surmised, “They only want to keep me away. They probably think that Letya’s parents are going to claim custody of the children, and I think it might be best for me to let them.”

“What?” Yuuri asked, giving him a surprised look, “But, Patya clearly wanted _you_ to raise his and Letya’s children.”

“Yes,” Victor agreed, motioning in the direction of a car that had pulled up to the curb, “but our ride is here. We’ll talk later about that.”

The four were quiet as they loaded their bags into the trunk of the car, then climbed in for the ride home.

Yuuri looked up at Victor, watching as his husband touched a fingertip to the place under his eye, where a dark patch was forming.

“Looks like you’re getting a black eye,” Yuuri said unhappily, “We’ll need to ice that when we get home.”

Victor nodded silently.

“Vitya,” Lilia said sternly, “you need to watch out for those two. Yakov and I have told you a lot of times that you should have a bodyguard, since you are a celebrity. I think you need to get one now to protect you. I don’t want that man putting hands on you again.”

Victor let out a soft, dismissive breath.

“Do you think I’ll let him?” he asked.

“I think you need to remember that it isn’t just you anymore,” Yakov chided him, nodding in Yuuri’s direction, “Vitya, Saint Petersburg may be a haven, but things are not good in general for gay couples, and you and Yuuri are in the public eye. You are supposed to gain custody of Patya and Letya’s children. You know what the law says about that…”

“I know,” Victor said, shaking his head, “and I told you, I am going to convince Letya’s parents to raise the children.”

“But…” Yuuri began.

“I know it was Patya’s wish to have me do it,” Victor said softly, “and I love them. I would do it if I could. But, you saw how angry Patya’s parents are. They are not going to let me have the children. I am not their biological parent and I have shown publicly that I am pansexual. I didn’t just hide the fact that I married Yuuri, when gay marriage is not legal in my country or his. Even though I didn’t make a public announcement, it was in the news. Given just that, I will not be granted custody. It is safer and better for the children if Letya’s parents raise them. I know Patya wanted different, but…I think he was wrong.”

“Hmm,” Yakov rumbled disapprovingly, “I understand why you are worried about that, but maybe you should talk to your lawyer and get more information before you make a decision.”

“Yakov’s right,” Yuuri agreed, “and…Lilia’s right that we should think about getting a bodyguard. That man hit you, and the way he was talking, I’m convinced that he could try to really hurt you.”

“You don’t need to hire a bodyguard,” Yakov said shortly, “I did it for you, while we were in Denmark.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened.

“You did?” he asked, blinking in surprise.

The old man shrugged.

“You and Vitya were dealing with things and I have trustworthy connections. The security team will be meeting us at the house.”

He gave Victor a meaningful look.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he added.

“It’s fine,” Victor assured him, “I’m glad you were able to keep thinking while I was reacting to everything.”

“Vitya,” Yakov said more softly, “you need to take care of yourself. Go home. Rest. Eat. Just get through the next few weeks while the business with Patya’s funeral and final wishes is settled. Do you have the contact information for the counselor the Denmark doctor referred you to?”

Victor nodded.

“Yuuri,” Yakov said, meeting the Japanese skater’s eyes warningly, “make sure the appointment gets made.”

“I will,” Yuuri promised.

The four quieted again as the car turned onto Victor’s street, only to find several media trucks parked there and news crews in front of the Russian skater’s home.

“Damn it,” Yakov sighed, “Let me handle them, Vitya. You and Yuuri go with the two men coming down from the porch. Their names are Maret and Sava. They’ll get you inside while I get those people to go away.”

“Thank you,” Victor said gratefully.

The two bodyguards approached the car as it pulled up to the house and they immediately motioned for the news crews to move aside.

“Coming through, folks,” the darker-haired man said in a loud, firm tone, “Please stand aside.”

Victor and Yuuri waited as Yakov and Lilia climbed out to face the onslaught of questions and the quick, bright flashes of cameras that met them.

“Will Victor be making a statement?”

“Can you tell us what was in the note that Ipati Pechkin left behind?”

“Can Victor give us his reaction to this awful event?”

Victor and Yuuri scooted out of the car and were swept along by the two bodyguards, who carefully herded them past the shouting reporters and to the front door. They hurried inside and Victor slammed the door behind them, his heart pounding as he took slow breaths to calm himself. They heard a little sob, and Victor and Yuuri turned to find Letya’s parents and the little boy and girl standing in the entry, waiting for them.

“Vitya,” Eva whispered, “thank god you are here.”

“Why did you come here, with all of that going on outside?” Victor asked in a concerned tone.

“I’m sorry,” Filip apologized, holding a hand on Liev’s shoulder as the little boy sniffed and wiped his eyes, “We tried to protect the children, but…it’s all over Saint Petersburg what happened to their father. We told them and we comforted them, as best we could. They wanted to come to you.”

“They were afraid,” Eva managed in a broken whisper, “They were worried for you.”

“Well,” Victor said, smiling gently and dropping to his knees in front of the two, “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. Whatever happens, I will be here for you.”

He looked up at Eva and Filip sadly.

“I will be here for all of you.”


	5. Father Figure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles to comfort Patya and Letya's children.

Victor hugged Patya’s two crying children, biting his lip and closing his eyes for a moment to control his own burgeoning emotions. Liev cried silently into his shoulder as Akilina ducked under his chin, sobbing loudly.

“Daddy! I want Daddy!”

“I know,” Victor answered softly, holding Liev against him with one arm and patting Akilina gently on the back with his other hand, “I want him to be here too.”

“I’m sorry, Vitya,” Eva apologized, blinking back tears, “We wanted to give you time to come home and settle in before we came over, but…with everything happening so fast and the children overhearing what was being said…”

“I understand,” Victor assured her, extending the arm that was holding Liev, so he could take her hand, “There was just no way to avoid the exposure because of all of the coverage of our wedding. I’m just…sorry that you had to go through…through _this_ and all the media attention too. I did ask them for privacy.”

“Don’t blame yourself for them not respecting your request,” Filip chided him gently, “You didn’t ask for the attention and you made an honest effort to stop it. We need to focus now on ourselves and the children.”

“Uncle Vitya,” Akilina said, looking up at him through teary eyes, “are you going to die too?”

“No!” Victor insisted, shaking his head firmly.

“Everybody dies,” Liev said, wiping his eyes, “Don’t be stupid, Akulya!”

“I’m not being _stupid_!” his sister sobbed, “I _know_ everyone dies, b-but…”

“It won’t happen for a very long time,” Victor said reassuringly, hugging the children against him.

“You don’t _know_ that,” Liev said, his teeth clenching and his eyes blazing, “We’re not babies. You don’t have to lie to us!”

“Liev,” Victor began, only to be cut off as the little boy’s eyes overflowed and he screamed his next words defiantly.

“D-did Daddy fall or…or…?”

Victor gave the boy a stricken look.

“Good gracious, child,” Eva said quickly, “who…?”

“He sneaked the TV on when you and Grandpa were talking in the other room,” Akilina revealed, earning a petulant glare from her brother.

Liev’s devastated eyes focused on Victor’s again and Victor flinched, struggling to keep his expression calm.

“Did Daddy fall on accident or on purpose?” the boy sobbed, “Tell the truth!”

Victor stared at the boy wordlessly, his face sheet white.

“Tell the truth!” Live screamed, pushing hard against Victor’s shoulders, “Tell the truth!”

Akilina whimpered and retreated to her grandmother’s arms and Filip put a bracing arm around the two of them. Yuuri moved closer to where Victor knelt with the distressed boy pushing against him.

“The truth,” he said softly, “is that Victor can’t answer that question.”

“Yuuri…” Victor objected.

“The police have to investigate,” Yuuri said calmly, “They have to sort through all of the clues. So, they can’t really tell us what happened until they have all of the facts. That is the truth.”

Liev looked at Victor for confirmation and the Russian skater nodded briefly.

“Yuuri is right,” he agreed, “No more talk about this now. Yuuri and I have had a long flight. We need to bathe and change our clothes.”

“Children, why don’t you help Grandma fix something for us to eat?” Filip suggested, “I will come and help too. We need to let Vitya and Yuuri to relax a bit, now that we’re all here.”

“Thank you,” Victor mouthed silently as the children followed Eva out of the room.

“Are you all right, Vitya?” Filip asked solemnly, “I am so sorry that Liev heard that.”

“It’s not your fault,” Victor said in a soft, sad voice, “I know you did your best to protect them. It’s because of me that the reporters care about this and are putting it all over the news. There are going to be a lot of hard questions I have to answer. I’m fine. I will be fine.”

Filip looked ready to object, but seemed to second guess himself, and instead, he nodded.

“Go on, now and clean up,” he urged the two, “Eva and I will take care of them.”

Victor managed a short nod and followed Yuuri into the master bedroom. As soon as the bedroom door closed, Victor sat down on the bed and put his face in his hands. Yuuri sat down beside him, curling an arm around him and leaning against him as his slender body shook with emotion and he struggled against the torrents of mingled agony and fury that battled to escape him.

“H-how could he do this to them?” Victor managed shakily, “How could he do this to all of us? We were here for him! Yuuri, I _let go of him_ because it’s what he said he had to do. I stayed with him and I was his friend through _everything_! Is it because of that, then?”

“What?” Yuuri asked, giving him a confused look, “Because of what?”

Victor lifted his head and met Yuuri’s befuddled gaze with a guilty look.

“Is it because I didn’t fight him harder when he left me?” Victor asked in an almost accusing voice.

“Victor, _he_ left _you_ ,” Yuuri insisted, “not the other way around.”

“I know that leaving me was something he said he had to do,” Victor reasoned, his eyes filling with tears again, “but that letter made it clear that he was fighting himself too! I should have known he was just confused and didn’t really want to break up with me. Maybe, I let go too easily. Maybe…”

“Stop it,” Yuuri said firmly, hugging him tightly as Victor broke down, sobbing silently into his shoulder, “You didn’t give up too easily. You wouldn’t do that, and we both know it. Patya didn’t tell you the truth…and maybe…it was because he didn’t know what to do, himself.”

“But…h-he had all of us!” Victor argued, holding tightly to his husband’s shoulder, “W-we were all right there with him, Yuuri! He knew that.”

Yuuri nodded.

“Yeah, Patya knew,” he said quietly, “but, think about it, Victor. _I_ have a great family who loves me. I have good friends who have always supported me.”

“You didn’t try to kill yourself,” Victor pointed out.

“No,” Yuuri agreed, “I didn’t. But, I also didn’t get the help I really needed for a very long time. To be completely honest, the only reason I did get that help, the only reason that you came to me…is because Yuko’s kids sent that viral video of me reaching out to you for help.”

Victor wiped his eyes on his sleeve and looked back at Yuuri wordlessly as he continued.

“A person can be surrounded with love, but sometimes they just can’t find the strength to reach out for it. To get what we need, we have to be able to do that. It’s not your fault that Patya couldn’t reach out to you. From what you’ve told me, he struggled a lot with his parents and with his own identity. Those are the things that burdened his heart, Victor. Those are the things that drove him over the edge. Not Letya or her family, not the children and most of all, not you. Don’t blame yourself for what Patya did. It isn’t in any way your fault. Not at all.”

“I suppose I know that,” Victor said more calmly, “I just wish that there could have been a way to stop this. I would have done whatever it took.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri said, smiling sadly and brushing away a lingering tear on his husband’s damp cheek, “I know you would. When you give your heart to someone, you give all of it. I learned that when you gave your love to me.”

He slipped a hand into Victor’s and coaxed him to his feet.

“C’mon, let’s go and clean up. They’re going to have dinner waiting for us.”

Victor followed Yuuri silently to the master bathroom door, his lips regaining a little smile as Yuuri opened the door, then froze, staring into the newly remodeled bathroom.

“Victor!” he gasped, his widened eyes taking in the somewhat smaller replica of the hot spring room they used so often at Yuutopia Katsuki, “Victor, this is… _amazing_!”

He stepped into the bathroom, marveling at the fastidious attention to every detail in the room.

“You remember that I said I had a wedding gift for you that was too big to bring along to the wedding?” Victor asked.

“Uh huh,” Yuuri managed breathlessly, “I had no idea…”

“I gave pictures to the builder, and I told him I wanted him to fit it into the space I have, but to make it as much like the original as possible. And…”

Victor moved to the edge of the pool, where a dark stone had been set by the edge.

“This stone is from Yuutopia Katsuki. I sent it here for them to use, with your parents’ permission, of course.”

“Victor…” Yuuri whispered, moving forward and kneeling beside the dark stone, then laying his hand on it.

“It’s a little bit of Japan I brought here to make our house, more of a home for both of us.”

Happy tears welled up in the corners of Yuuri’s brown eyes and he rose and hugged Victor crushingly.

“This is what I meant when I said that you give all of your love,” he whispered into his husband’s blushing ear, “Vitya, it’s the most beautiful gift _ever_!”

“I’m glad you like it,” Victor said, his hands beginning to undress his new spouse, “Of course, it’s a little bit of a gift for me too, since you know how I love the hot springs.”

“It’s perfect,” Yuuri sighed, his hands helping Victor’s to undress the two of them.

They stepped into the hot water and sank down, sitting on the stone bench set beneath the surface. The two soaked their bodies, breathing slowly and letting the heat drain some of the heaviness of everything that had happened. Victor’s head turned and he met Yuuri’s moist lips for several long, comforting kisses, and their hands caressed each other gently beneath the water. Gradually, some of the heavy emotion left Victor’s eyes and his expression calmed.

“You look better,” Yuuri observed, leaning against his husband’s shoulder.

“I feel better,” Victor assured him, “I am still disbelieving that Patya can really be gone, but you are a great comfort, Yuuri.”

“I want to be. More than anything, I want to be able to comfort you when you’re hurting. I’ll be here for you and the kids, I promise.”

“I know you will,” Victor said, managing a tentative smile, “and I will be okay.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” Victor affirmed, “I know that the pain of losing Patya isn’t going to away quickly, but I have my family and I have my friends. I will let them help me.”

“Good,” Yuuri sighed, hugging him again, “because I don’t want to ever lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you either.”

Victor paused, his mind working through a sudden touch of memory.

_He held Letya’s letter in his hands, reading and rereading the words, his eyes filling with tears and his lips quivering as the truth of them struck him squarely._

_“No!” he sobbed to the empty house, “It’s not true! It’s not!”_

_He crumpled up the letter and threw it across the room, then pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face in his arms._

_“It’s not true! I won’t believe it! Patya, he wouldn’t…!”_

“Victor?” Yuuri’s voice said, bringing him back out of the memory and into the steaming hot tub, “Are you okay?”

_I should say something._

_But…somehow, it’s like saying it will make it real. I don’t want it to be real. And what does it matter now? Patya is gone. That secret should just die with him. I don’t want it._

“I’m okay,” Victor lied, “I’m just tired. It was a long flight.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agreed, looking as though he knew full well that his husband wasn’t being honest with either one of them, “I’m pretty tired myself.”

The two climbed out of the hot tub and dried each other slowly, with affectionate hands.

“Thanks again for this room,” Yuuri said gratefully, “It does give me a feeling like being home. Of course, you give me an even bigger feeling like that.”

“I’m glad,” Victor said, kissing his cheek, then his warm lips, “I want you to be at home in Saint Petersburg. I want it to be _our_ home.

“It is.”

The two men left the bathroom and dressed in the bedroom before heading out to the kitchen, where the children were helping to lay their dinner out on the table. They took their seats and sat with their heads bowed and their hands joined as Eva said a short blessing over their meal.

“Do you boys feel better, now that you’ve rested a little and had a soak in that new hot tub?” Eva asked, smiling tiredly.

“I feel much better,” Victor said gratefully, “thank you.”

“And this food looks delicious,” Yuuri said politely, “Thank you for preparing it. Thank you all for making me feel so at home here.”

“We’re glad to have you with us,” Eva answered, smiling at him.

“Uncle Vitya,” Akilina said suddenly, “what happened to your eye?”

Victor paused, his fingers reaching up to touch the bruise beneath his eye.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” he assured the little girl, “I just…had a little accident. It’s fine. It doesn’t hurt.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take a closer look at it?” Eva offered.

“Oh, no it’s okay.”

“So,” Filip said, changing the subject, “why don’t you tell us about the ceremony?”

“Oh, it was perfect,” Victor said, smiling at the memory, “Yuuri’s parents and sister prepared all of the food, so it was amazing, of course, and the decorations were beautiful.”

“I don’t think we could have asked for a better day,” Yuuri added, “It was wonderful.”

“We’re so happy for both of you,” Eva said, nodding, “I’m just…so sorry that all of this has happened.”

“We are too,” Yuuri answered solemnly, “But, Victor and I are going to do our best to be here for all of you.”

“We know you will,” Filip answered gratefully, “Thank you both for that.”

Victor’s phone buzzed and he glanced at the number, then excused himself.

“Sorry, I have to take this. I will be right back.”

He left the table and walked into the living room.

“Hello?”

“Hello, this is Officer Visser. Is this Victor Nikiforov?”

“Yes,” Victor answered, “What is it? Do you have any new information for us?”

“Yes, actually, I do. We’ve completed the report on Patya Pechkin’s death, and I wanted to pass on to you that…well, it was a little more complicated than we might have expected.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is that the toxicology report found lethal levels of a powerful sedative in Patya’s system, as well as a large content of alcohol. Given that, it is impossible to conclude that this death was a suicide.”

“How do you mean?” Victor asked, “There was a suicide note. I read it in front of you.”

“We had the note analyzed and judging from the handwriting, it seems that he wrote it while under the influence of the drug and the alcohol…meaning…”

“Meaning that he could have been out of his mind…” Victor mused.

“Not capable of making a coherent decision. It could mean that he was depressed and he indulged in the sedative and the alcohol to sort of numb the pain, but then, things got out of control. We can’t conclude from the evidence at the scene that he made a coherent decision that he wanted to die. At this point, the fall may have been accidental.”

“I see.”

“Victor, I need to ask you, do you know of anything that might have happened that would have set something like this off?”

Victor froze, his mind going back to Patya’s sudden, impulsive kiss and his reaction.

“Mr. Nikiforov?” the officer called through the phone, “Victor?”


	6. Screaming in the Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor suffers torment over what his role might have been in Patya's death and also a long held secret he has kept.

“You haven’t said much since that phone call earlier,” Yuuri observed as he watched Victor change into his nightclothes, “I mean, you told us it was about Patya, but…it seems like there’s something you’re just not saying, Vitya.”

Victor gave him a weary look and walked to the bed, where he sat down next to his husband and joined hands with him.

“Can we please just not talk about it right now, Yuuri?” Victor requested softly, “It’s late and I’m so tired.”

“Hmm,” Yuuri mused worriedly, “I’m wondering if you’ll be able to sleep with something troubling you like it is.”

“Well, I have plenty of things troubling me,” Victor sighed, reaching up to touch the bruise underneath his eye.

Yuuri gave him a sympathetic look.

“Is that still hurting you?” he asked, “I told you that you should ice it a little more. It’s throbbing again, isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry,” Victor apologized, “I should have iced it for longer. I just…was wanting to be in here. The children are finally sleeping and I want to sleep too.”

“It’s easier to sleep when your heart isn’t so burdened,” Yuuri said.

He paused at the annoyed look he earned for his persistence.

“Sorry,” he said, shaking his head and getting up, “I’m going to go and get you a fresh ice pack.”

“Thank you, Yuuri.”

Victor watched as Yuuri walked out of the room, then he stood and walked to the window. He looked out into the sullen night sky, sad for the lack of a single visible star or the light of the moon.

_Even the sky is in mourning._

He put his fingertips up against the smooth, cool glass, breathing slowly and watching it mist the window. In his mind, he heard again the solemn pronouncement that the Denmark policeman had made.

“… _it is impossible to conclude that this death was a suicide_."

Victor’s eyes locked on his dim reflection in the window.

_You didn’t want to die, did you, Patya? You had fought for so long and along the way, you had to give me up, then you lost Letya too. Still, you kept going. You kept on trying. In the time since Letya’s death, you seemed to be recovering. It didn’t escape me that me getting together with Yuuri would have stopped any plans you had to ask me to come back to you. I shouldn’t feel guilty for that, for going on with my own life after you left me._

_I shouldn’t feel guilty for that, but…I do._

_Patya, why? Why did you do this? Were you thinking about it for a long time and resisting? But maybe the fact that my marriage to Yuuri closed that door between us permanently and you couldn’t face that? You came to the wedding and you seemed to be coping well…until that moment when we were alone, just before the ceremony._

_Could I have…?_

_Was there anything I could have done? Anything that would have stopped you? Was there something that I just missed, because I was flustered when you kissed me? Was that rejected kiss what lit the fuse that burned out your life?_

“Here you go,” Yuuri said, startling Victor out of his thoughts as he returned to the room.

Yuuri read the little flush on Victor’s cheeks and the unnerved look in his husband’s eyes as Victor took the prepared ice pack and pressed it gently to the bruise on his face.

“Are you okay?”

“Not really.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay,” Yuuri said calmly, “why don’t we try to get some sleep now?”

Victor nodded wordlessly and climbed into the bed alongside Yuuri, then he wound his body around his husband’s, holding him tightly.

“The children might wake during the night,” Victor commented, looking over at the bedroom door.

“Letya’s parents are watching over the children so that we can get some rest,” Yuuri reminded him, “They’re going to be right there if the kids need anything. And they’ll come and wake us if we need to help.”

“I know that,” Victor answered, his eyes still focused on the bedroom door, “I’m just worried about them. They just lost their father after already losing their mother.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened slightly as a touch of realization struck him.

“You lost your parents suddenly in an accident,” he recalled, “Is that why you’re so worried for the children? Is it because you remember how it felt?”

“I do remember how it felt,” Victor affirmed, biting at his lips gently, “I couldn’t sleep at all. I had…terrible nightmares, and such anxiety. I was in the dorms in the skating school, and when I kept waking my roommate, the Residence Manager just moved me to my own room, so that I wouldn’t bother anyone.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri whispered, touching his husband’s troubled face comfortingly, “they left you alone like that?”

“They recommended me for counseling, and I did see someone. Then, for a short time, Lilia took me to stay with her.”

Yuuri gave him an uncertain look in response and Victor managed a small smile.

“She’s such a scary person,” Yuuri chuckled, “How was it helpful for you to stay with her?”

Victor shrugged.

“She was never like that with me. She was…funny. She said funny things that eventually made me laugh. She made sure that I ate and danced and slept on a firm schedule. She made sure that I went to my counseling appointments and she did hold me when I cried. I was okay enough in a few weeks that I moved back into the skating academy dorm, and I managed, but…”

“Those children are not going to feel like you did,” Yuuri said reassuringly, “Sure, they have suffered the loss of both parents now, just like you did, but you’ve made sure that while you sleep, there is someone to be there for them, someone who will make sure that they are taken care of. Now, you need to try to sleep so that when they wake up tomorrow, you can be there for them too.”

“I know you’re right,” Victor agreed, burrowing into Yuuri’s shoulder, “I will try.”

Victor’s troubled eyes closed and he did eventually manage to drift off, but he shifted uncomfortably in his sleep as dark, worrisome emotions roiled inside, causing disturbing dreams.

_He stood again in the preparation room with Patya, his heart pounding as he recalled his friend’s death and began to panic inside. Patya took hold of him and started to kiss him, but Victor turned his head aside and just held his old friend in a tight embrace._

_“Vitya!” Patya’s echoing voice sobbed, “Vitya, I’m sorry! I don’t know what…!”_

_“Patya, it’s okay!” he answered, holding on more tightly, “I understand now. Just…don’t be upset, please? I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always love you. Marrying Yuuri is going to change things of course, but I still need you. I still want you in my life. Just…don’t…go!”_

_Thunder cracked suddenly and Victor found himself naked and standing in Patya’s hotel room, watching as his friend cried and drank, then paced around the room, his body shaking and his chest heaving dangerously. He stumbled towards a bottle of pills in the bathroom. Seeing where he was going, Victor tried to pull the bottle away from his friend, but a shock went through him as he realized that his hand only went through Patya’s and couldn’t reach him or the bottle of pills. He was forced to watch in horror as Patya took a handful and swallowed them with several swigs from another bottle._

_“Patya, no!” he pleaded, still trying desperately to make contact, “Patya, please stop!”_

_Patya’s head turned in his direction and he squinted and trembled in reaction._

_“V-vitya?” he panted, reaching out for Victor._

_Victor ran forward, sighing in relief as he gathered his friend into his arms._

_“Let’s go and get you some help quickly,” Victor whispered, kissing him on the cheek, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”_

_He blinked in surprise as he found himself holding, not Patya, but a sleepy and confused Yuuri in his arms._

_“Vitya?” Yuuri mused, reaching up to touch his face, “Vitya, what’s wrong?”_

_“Patya!” Victor exclaimed, setting Yuuri back on his feet and dashing to the balcony, where the door was already opened and his friend was outside, leaning over the edge, “PATYA!”_

“PATYA!” Victor screamed, sitting up in the bed as Yuuri jumped awake and immediately wrapped his arms around his distressed partner.

“Vitya!” he gasped, “It’s okay. It was just a dream.”

“B-but it wasn’t,” Victor sobbed into Yuuri’s shoulder, “It was real. Patya’s dead and I…I think that…maybe I could have…”

“No,” Yuuri soothed him, running his fingers through the silvery strands of his husband’s hair and kissing him comfortingly, “No, you couldn’t have done anything.”

“But, he was hurting and if I’d just been paying attention, I would have known. Maybe I could have stopped him.”

“It’s not your fault, Vitya,” Yuuri said reassuringly, hugging Victor more tightly, “There wasn’t anything you could do.”

“I sh-should have realized what made him kiss me like that, all of a sudden! I should have felt how much pain he had to be in to do something like that, you know?”

“There was no way you could know what it was leading up to.”

“His behavior was a cry for help and I didn’t hear him. I was so focused on the wedding that I…”

“Vitya!” Yuuri cried, taking Victor’s tormented face in his hands and looking him squarely in the eyes, “Stop torturing yourself. You know as well as I do that you loved Patya like a brother, and if it could be sensed that he was about to do something like this, then you would have sensed it. Sometimes these things just happen! People get overwhelmed by their emotions and they just…they just snap. And it’s not something you can stop. It’s not anything that you should be blaming yourself for. Patya wrote that note of his own accord and he took his own life. He didn’t tell you it was that bad. He didn’t go to you for help. You can’t change any of that. For some reason, Patya gave up. We may never know why.”

“B-but I do,” Victor said, shuddering as he remembered.

“… _it is impossible to conclude that this death was a suicide_."

“Vitya?” Yuuri called to him, gently fishing Victor’s head out from where it was buried in his shoulder, “What is this about? Please, tell me.”

Victor looked back at him with a shattered expression, tears streaming down his face.

“That phone call I took, the one that I couldn’t talk about before,” he confessed in a shaky voice, “It was the police in Denmark. They told me that the investigation had been completed and…”

He paused, sniffing and rubbing his eyes.

“And?” Yuuri prompted him, picking up some tissues from the nightstand and handing them to his crying partner.

Victor said nothing, gathering himself as he slowly dried his tears away, then he met Yuuri’s eyes with heartbreaking sadness.

“They said that…Patya had taken a lot of pills with too much alcohol. His hands were unsteady and they can’t be sure he knew what he was doing as he wrote that note to me.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri whispered, his eyes widening.

“They couldn’t conclude that he made a decision to jump to his death or even that he meant to kill himself with the pills and alcohol. It may have been an accidental overdose…and accidental fall.”

Yuuri stared back at him wordlessly as Victor broke down and started crying again.

“And…hearing that, what am I supposed to conclude? They asked me, Yuuri. The police asked me if I knew of any reason…if there was anything that happened that might have made him so anguished. I h-had to tell them how he tried to kiss me and I rejected him.”

“That _wasn’t_ your fault!” Yuuri insisted, taking hold of Victor’s forearms and looking deeply into his teary eyes, “Listen to me. Patya may have been upset over us being married and he couldn’t tell you before. He may have kissed you out of confusion and desperation. He may have been upset even more when you refused to go along with him. But, none of what happened is your fault. Do you hear me, Vitya? It is not your fault. I’m sure the police told you. I’m sure they know.”

“Th-they put me on the phone with the grief counselor from before,” Victor informed him, “I’m sorry, Yuuri. I should have told you right away. I just was so…”

“I get it. You needed time to process,” Yuuri concluded, “You’ve already been through hell and now this…”

“How do I deal with this?” Victor asked through clenched teeth, “What if it was my rejection that sent Patya over the edge?”

“It wasn’t, Vitya, you know that,” Yuuri said firmly, “You told me before that Patya had been drinking before he tried to kiss you. He was already out of sorts. And there was all of that difficulty with his parents, with his sexual orientation. He was dealing with a lot of things.”

“And he needed me!” Victor said broken-heartedly, “He needed me and I…”

“You reacted like any faithful lover would if another man tried to kiss him. But I know you. I know that even though you refused to go along with him, you let him down as gently as you could. I’m sure you were as kind as you could be. Remember, Patya did something very wrong when he tried to kiss you.”

“I know he did, but…”

“But you are a devoted friend,” Yuuri supplied, wrapping his arms around his husband, “You didn’t want to hurt him, because he was your friend and you had all of that history with him. You had to tell him no, but you never wanted to inflict hurt on him. It just couldn’t be done without hurt. You know that. Please, stop blaming yourself.”

I know you’re right that I should stop,” Victor agreed, wiping his eyes again, “But it torments me to think of him suffering, and when I try to sleep, I see it. I see his pain. I see him writing that letter and…and…”

Victor broke off, putting his face in his hands for a moment, then he took a deeper breath and straightened.

“I know you’re right that I have to stop this,” he said in a calmer voice, “It’s not helping anyone.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri soothed him, “You need to have an outlet for your feelings. You just lost a very good friend in a horrible way. So, I want you to lean on me and know that you can share your pain with me. I want to help you, Vitya. I want to give you whatever it is that you need right now.”

Victor pulled back for a moment, his wet eyes filling with fresh tears of gratitude.

“It’s you, Yuuri,” he sobbed, touching his forehead to his husband’s and just letting the tears roll down his face, “I need you. You don’t have to do anything, just…be here. Just hold me, okay? I’ll be all right if I just feel you there.”

“Okay,” Yuuri said, coaxing Victor into lying down again, then curling his body around his husband’s, “I’m here. I’m right here. I’m going to stay here and hold you all you want.”

“Thank you, Yuuri,” Victor sighed, blinking and closing his eyes, “That means a lot to me.”

“Shh, rest now,” Yuuri said, kissing the back of his shoulder and caressing one of his hands.

Victor relaxed slowly and dropped off into a deeper sleep. For a longer time, he was quiet and still. But gradually, the darkness invaded his dreams again with a haunting memory.

 _“Vitya,”_ Letya’s voice echoed in his sleeping mind, “ _Vitya, it’s the truth and we need to face it.”_

_“No,” he said, looking out the bedroom window as Letya coughed and shifted uncomfortably in the bed, “we don’t.”_

_“Vitya?” Letya said, looking up at him uncertainly._

_“It doesn’t matter.”_

_“But…how can you say that?”_

_“I can say it because it doesn’t matter,” he said solemnly, “You know how I feel about Patya, and you have to know that if he had asked me, I would have agreed…if you had also asked me. So…the result would have been the same.”_

_“Vitya,” Letya said, sitting up in the bed and taking his hand in hers, “it’s not the same. Patya placed a large burden on you by not telling you.”_

_“And what about you?” he asked, “What does it do to you, knowing…?”_

_“That he was unfaithful to me with you?”_

_“But he wasn’t,” Victor said numbly, pulling free and walking back to look out at the sullen, grey sky, “You know he didn’t sleep with me because of any feelings he had for me. Patya had one reason for coming to me, and one reason only.”_

_“I know that breaks your heart all over again,” Letya acknowledged, “but even in that pain, there is a gift, don’t you see?”_

_Victor sighed and sat down on the bed again, not resisting as Letya took his hands in hers._

_“He did something very wrong, but Patya was only trying to hang on to some piece of you. You realize that, don’t you? Patya loves you, Vitya, and he always will. He is very broken by everything and that is why he does these things, but there is no doubt that…”_

_“It doesn’t matter,” Victor said, turning and embracing her, “Please let it go? If he wanted not to say it, but just to have that piece of me, then let him have it, and just…let it go. Patya had a choice and he chose to let me go. I accepted that, and I can accept this. I just…want you to not be sad or worried. I said that I would look after Patya and the children and I will. Can you let that be enough?”_

Victor sat up in bed with Letya’s voice echoing in his head. He glanced at his sleeping husband, then looked out the window at the moon that was beginning to break through the clouds to light them gently around the edges.

_I’m sorry, Letya. I promised to look after him, and I failed. I am so very sorry._

_I failed him._

_I failed you._

_I will not fail them._

_I promise you._


	7. Our Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Victor ponders his past with Patya, an unexpected visitor arrives.

Though he was usually awake near dawn every day, it was late morning before Victor stirred and opened his eyes. Yuuri was gone from the bed and Maccachin rested in his embrace The old dog lifted his head and turned it to lick Victor’s cheek.

“Good morning, Maccachin,” he whispered, hugging the poodle and rubbing behind his floppy ears.

Maccachin whined and thumped his tail on the bed, as though to say, _You’re up late this morning. Let’s eat now._

Victor released the dog and sat up in the bed. He frowned and touched his fingertips to the bruise under his eye, then he winced and shook his head. His mind traveled back to the moment the injury had happened and the cruel words that went with the sudden act of violence.

_"Well?" Patya's father inquired impatiently, switching to English as he spotted Yuuri, "Don't you have anything to say for yourself? You_ _are_ _the reason that our son is dead."_

_"And not even a phone call?" demanded Patya's mother, "We had to hear it on the news?"_

_"Well," Victor said in a hard, cold voice that Yuuri had never heard him use before, "maybe if you hadn't had him kidnapped and taken to that camp of horrors, years ago, he still would have been talking to you."_

_"We sent our son to a_ _caring place_ _so that he could get away from you and your reckless perversions," Patya's mother argued icily, her blue eyes blazing, "If it wasn't for you, kidnapping him from the camp and keeping him away from_ _his family_ _, we could have saved him!"_

_"You think you were saving him?" Victor answered angrily, "Do you even_ _know_ _what they were doing to Patya in that place?"_

_"They were curing him of his mental illness!" Patya's father shouted, "You should have let him be cured, and this never would have happened!"_

_"Are you_ _insane_ _?" Victor hissed, his eyes flashing and his hands clenching into fists at his sides, "Do you really think that teaching a boy to hate himself for being gay, locking him up, beating him and starving him is how you_ _cure him_ _? You_ _caused_ _Patya's mental illness by sending him there. And even though I got him out, he was damaged by what happened to him. Why else do you think he left me and married Letya, when he wasn't_ _ever_ _attracted to a woman? Why do you think he told me that he wanted to live a_ _normal life_ _and he fought himself to the death to try to make it real? Patya was gay and he was in love with me. You hated that. You hated me for it. And you made Patya hate himself for it too…you and all of the others who intimidated him for just trying to live his own life. If_ _anyone_ _is responsible for him throwing himself off of that balcony, it wasn't the person who accepted him as he was…who_ _loved him_ _exactly as he was."_

_"My son was not gay," Patya's father insisted, stepping forward aggressively, "You perverted him. You changed him. You seduced him into sin…and now, he'll burn in hell, just like you will someday."_

_He punctuated the scathing words with a backhanded slap across Victor's face._

“Vitya?”

The Russian skater blinked and shook his head.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, moving forward and setting the tray he was carrying down on the nightstand, “I brought you some breakfast. The kids were up, so their grandmother had them help with making the food.”

“Yuuri, can I ask you something?”

Victor moved over and Yuuri sat down on the edge of the bed, facing him.

“What is it?” Yuuri inquired, “Whatever it is, it looks like it’s really bothering you.”

Victor met Yuuri’s gaze with tired, reddened eyes.

“I know that I am your first lover…”

“You’re my first and you will be my _only_ lover,” Yuuri added, “And?”

“And I need you to tell me, were you…attracted to any men before me?” Victor asked.

Yuuri shook his head immediately and slipped a hand into his husband’s.

“You know I wasn’t,” he chided Victor gently, “I had a little crush on Yuko when I was too young to be serious, but once I saw you and your skating, I never felt anything for anyone but you.”

Victor thought silently for a moment.

“So…you were attracted to a girl, before me, but when you saw me…you… _changed_?” Victor asked, looking down at their joined hands.

“What’s this about?” Yuuri asked, giving him a worried look, “I was very young when I had that crush on Yuko. You can’t be worried about that, right? I was way too young to really feel that kind of thing. It was all really innocent.”

Victor closed his eyes, breathing slowly.

“I’m not worried about that,” he assured his anxious husband, “Yuuri, what I want to know is…do you think that it’s because of me that you are homosexual?”

Yuuri’s face registered surprise and his eyes widened for a moment.

_There is so much wrong in what he just asked me!_

_Victor, why would you ever ask me something like that?_

He thought back to the day before and the confrontation with Patya’s parents.

_Is that why?_

Yuuri’s eyes narrowed and he squeezed his husband’s hand supportively.

“No,” he answered firmly.

“But, you just said that something changed when you saw me and my skating,” Victor repeated, “You were one way before, but you were different after?”

Yuuri shook his head and curled into his husband’s arms, kissing Victor on the cheek, then on his frowning lips. He retreated slightly, looking into Victor’s troubled eyes.

“Vitya,” he said, keeping his voice calm, “I was not _one way before and different after_. The truth is that I believe I was made for you. I looked at you, and it wasn’t like I changed, it was more like…I discovered a piece of myself that I couldn’t until that moment. You didn’t make me a homosexual. I looked at you and I just recognized something that was like me. I honestly never thought of it as homosexuality. I just loved everything about you…and I still do.”

He read Victor’s still tormented expression and cupped a palm around his face on the side that Patya’s father had struck with his hand.

“Don’t let what they said bother you,” he said quietly, “You didn’t do anything like what they accused you of, and you didn’t do anything wrong. You met Patya, and the two of you were friends because he stood up for you when the other boys were beating up on you. And because you were friends, you grew closer, and in doing that, you just realized that you both wanted more than friendship. I wasn’t there, but I know already that you never put any pressure on Patya.”

“No, but I didn’t discourage him, either.”

“Why would you discourage him?” Yuuri asked pointedly, “There isn’t anything wrong at all with friends becoming lovers, Vitya.”

“I know that,” Victor sighed, leaning into Yuuri’s palm and nuzzling tenderly, “but it haunts me that if I hadn’t…if _we_ hadn’t become lovers…”

Yuuri shook his head firmly.

“If it hadn’t been you, then it would have been someone else.”

“But, he married a woman.”

“And you know exactly why he did that.”

“No, I don’t,” Victor insisted, “Yuuri, I still don’t know why Patya hated himself so much, why he said he loved me and it was clear he couldn’t resist me, but he fought himself so hard!”

“But, you _do_ know,” Yuuri countered, “You said it yourself, when Patya’s parents tried to accuse you. You didn’t change Patya and he didn’t become a homosexual because of you. You accepted Patya for exactly who he was. You loved him. From what you said, they sent him to a conversion camp and said horrible things to him about both of you. They hurt him, Vitya, not you.”

“How can you say that?” Victor asked anxiously.

“You are the one who said that, and it’s true,” Yuuri argued, “I don’t know why you’re second guessing yourself now.”

“I don’t know, myself,” Victor admitted, lowering his eyes, “I know in my heart that loving Patya like I did wasn’t wrong. But when we were younger, Patya loved his parents too, and he wanted to please them. Children want to make their parents proud. I interfered with that.”

“No,” Yuuri objected.

“But, I did,” Victor insisted, “What he felt for me confused him. It made him have to choose between them and me…and that tore Patya’s apart from the inside.”

“You’re wrong,” Yuuri said with certainty, “Vitya, your love didn’t make him have to choose. Think about it. You wouldn’t have objected if Patya had not wanted to be lovers. You fell in love _together_. You didn’t force Patya to choose. I know you never told him he had to, did you?”

“Of course not, but…”

“But nothing. It was Patya’s parents who couldn’t be proud of their son the way he was. It was his parents who told him that it was wrong to be in love with you. They tried to force him to change, and it was that, that tore Patya apart. If anything, you held him together in all of that.”

“But is it wrong?” Victor persisted, “Those feelings we had for each other had consequences.”

“ _All of our choices_ have consequences. Bad things can happen, even when you’re doing something good…like giving roses to someone you love and they get pricked by a thorn. That doesn’t make giving the person roses wrong. It just means they have to be more careful handling roses. And you giving your love to Patya wasn’t wrong, Vitya. It just meant that because his parents couldn’t accept it, Patya was hurt.”

Victor considered for several long minutes, holding Yuuri against him, then he shook his head and closed his eyes again.

“I would go back and never fall in love with him at all, if it would mean he’d be here alive.”

Yuuri gave him a sad smile.

“I know you would try,” he said kindly, “because you love Patya. But if you really went back, you would only see that you couldn’t change that you fell in love with him. At most, you could deny it. But even if you changed things so he was alive, Patya would still be tormented. You don’t think that he would have married Letya if they hadn’t pressured him, do you?”

Victor looked back at him wordlessly, but the answer was plain on his face.

“If it wasn’t you, he would have been with someone else and his parents still would have acted as they did. Vitya, you have to accept that you didn’t do anything wrong by loving Patya, and you couldn’t have fixed things to make his parents happy without Patya still being hurt. Patya’s parents hurt him, and now they’re hurting you, because even if they didn’t love what Patya did, he was their son. They still loved him…just in a very unhealthy way.”

Victor considered quietly, then he drew a steadying breath.

“You are right, of course,” he capitulated, “but, what happens now? The children are hurting, Letya’s parents are hurting, and Patya’s parents are not just hurting, they are angry. His father already showed how angry he is.”

“Are you worried they’re going to do something worse?” Yuuri asked.

“We are protected by the security Yakov arranged for us,” Victor reminded him, “but there are other things to worry about too, like…”

Victor paused as Eva appeared at the bedroom door.

“Sorry to bother you, Vitya. I just wanted to see if you needed anything.”

Victor felt a little shaft of guilt as he caught sight of the untouched food tray still sitting on the nightstand.

“I’m fine, thank you,” he said appreciatively, “I’m just going to eat the wonderful breakfast that you and the children made for me, then I will be up and around. Please thank the children for helping you.”

“I will, dear,” Eva said, giving him a sad smile before turning and leaving the room.

Victor pulled free of Yuuri and picked up the tray, setting it in his lap and trying to summon the will and hunger to eat it.

“It’s okay if you can’t,” Yuuri said, seeming to read his thoughts, “I’ll help if you want.”

“Thank you. I may take you up on that.”

Yuuri gave him a cute smirk.

“Well, you know I have no trouble eating, that’s for sure. I eat whether I’m happy or sad.”

He sighed softly and pulled his knees to his chest, resting his chin on his kneecaps.

“I’m sorry all of this is so hard for you.”

“I know you are. You’ve been wonderful, Yuuri. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done.”

“I wish I could do more,” Yuuri related more softly, “I wish it all didn’t have to hurt you so much. But…you know what those feelings are like.”

Victor gave him a questioning look.

“It’s how you must have felt when I was so anxious before my free skate in China, and you were trying to find a way to calm me down.”

Victor’s expression softened.

“I felt pretty helpless,” he admitted.

“But even though you made some mistakes, you did help me,” Yuuri assured him, “and even though I might not do the right things now, I want to help you too.”

Victor felt a warmth spread through his insides, and he managed a bite of his food. The familiar taste was nostalgic, but at the same time, comforting.

“These are wonderful,” Victor sighed, “It brings back good memories. I spent a lot of time with Filip and Eva while Letya was pregnant with the children. I thought it was strange sometimes that they could show so much affection for the man that Patya had loved before marrying Letya. I’m sure it didn’t escape them that Patya was still struggling because he was in love with me. I wonder why they were able to accept the situation at all. Letya really gave up whatever chance she had at a normal life, just trying to help her friend. I suppose we all had our hearts in the right places and we were trying to do the right things, but…sometimes it’s hard to know what is the right thing to do, you know?”

“I know,” Yuuri affirmed.

“What makes me especially sad is that even Patya’s parents might have been trying to do what they thought was right. Everything just went so wrong.”

Victor took several more bites, then set the tray on the bed. Yuuri smiled and went to close the door before returning and eating the remaining food.

“This doesn’t mean that you can starve yourself now,” Yuuri teased him gently.

“I won’t,” Victor promised, “I just…want to make them smile a little. I know there’s no escaping that they’re going to be sad, but…”

“You’re doing fine, Vitya,” Yuuri said reassuringly, “It’s a hell of a lot to deal with.”

“Mmhmm.”

Victor slipped back into his thoughts as Yuuri finished the food on the tray.

_Yuuri is right that it wasn’t wrong for Patya and me to be who we are. I know I never made a decision to be homosexual. I think I’m only questioning and second guessing because Patya died. I’m trying to make sense of things, but I must not let the hatred that hurt Patya also get into my head and hurt me. That isn’t going to help anyone. Right now, I need to concentrate on taking care of everything and everyone I can. I can comfort Filip and Eva, Liev and Akilina. I can make sure that Patya is honored the way he deserves to be in death. I can keep my promises to Letya and to Patya to take care of the children since they can’t anymore. I won’t let my doubts keep me from doing that._

Still, just making himself move felt draining.

He turned and let his legs down over the edge of the bed, took a breath and stood. And he found that with each step, the draining feeling seemed to diminish.

_This is good. Moving and doing things, that is good. I can’t change the things that are happening now, but I can keep moving and doing the things that are possible. That’s all I have the energy to focus on right now._

He left Yuuri in the bedroom and picked out something to wear. He felt even more strength seeping back into his body as he dressed and took care of his morning hygiene. Yuuri was waiting in the bedroom and carrying the empty tray when he emerged.

“Yuuri?”

“Hmm?”

“Why don’t we take care of the memorial preparations we need to this morning then take the kids to the ice rink?”

“You feel like skating?” Yuuri said hopefully.

“I do.”

“Okay, then we’ll go skating.”

“As long as Liev and Akilina are all right with it too.”

“Sure,” Yuuri agreed.

Victor took a steadying breath, then retrieved the breakfast tray and walked out to where the children were sitting at the table, playing with modeling clay.

“Uncle Vitya!” they called out, abandoning their creations to hug him and then Yuuri.

“I hope Grandma told you how much I liked the breakfast you all made for me,” Victor said, smiling, “I feel like doing something fun. What about the two of you? Would you like to go skating later today?”

“Can we?” Akilina asked excitedly.

Liev looked less enthusiastic, but he nodded approvingly.

“Okay, I’ll go.”

“Good,” Victor said, setting the tray on the kitchen sink, “Yuuri, if you don’t mind watching them for a little while, there are some things that Grandma, Grandpa and I have to do.”

“Okay, no problem,” Yuuri said, nodding, “I love modeling clay!”

In a moment, he was at the table and building his own creation. Victor left the kitchen and started down the hallway, but was stopped as the doorbell rang.

_The security team wouldn’t let just anyone through. Maybe it’s Yakov._

Still, he was cautious enough to look out the peephole before opening the door. Outside, a well-dressed official looking man stood on the porch with a manila envelope in his hand.

“Are you Victor Nikiforov?” the man asked.

“I think you know I am,” Victor answered, looking around for the nearest guard, “Who are you and why are you here?”

“I am representing the parents of Ipati Pechkin,” the man said, handing Victor the envelope, “They are seeking custody of the Pechkin children.”


	8. Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor suffers as it becomes clear that Patya was still deeply in love with him.

“ _I am representing the parents of Ipati Pechkin,” the man said, handing Victor the envelope, “They are seeking custody of the Pechkin children_.”

Despite the instant burning anger he felt at the unwelcome intrusion and the reason for it, Victor was all too aware of the possible consequences of showing too strong a reaction.

“I see,” he said quietly, looking into the attorney’s eyes as he accepted the envelope.

“I also need to inform you that the Pechkin family is seeking an order to place the children in their care while the case is decided.”

Victor’s gaze hardened.

“And I am sure that you know that this is not what Patya wanted. He left the children in the care of their maternal grandparents, and they are the children’s guardians until the custody hearing.”

“We are contesting that.”

Victor bit his lip gently and took a soft, tremulous breath.

“What is your name?” he asked calmly.

“I am Berzin Aristov,” the man answered, “I work for the law firm…”

“Mr. Aristov, do you have any understanding of what these children have just suffered?” Victor inquired, “They have lost their mother already to a physical illness, and now they have suddenly lost their father. Letya’s parents are the only grandparents they know.”

“Yes,” the attorney agreed, “The Pechkin’s told me that you used your influence over their son so that he cut them out of their grandchildren’s lives.”

“I did no such thing,” Victor objected, carefully controlling his voice to keep it calm, “Patya made his own decisions. I was not, in any way, involved.”

“But, that’s not true. You were his close friend and confidante…some would say that you had great influence over him. Perhaps, too much influence.”

“That is something that the courts will have to decide,” Victor replied shortly, “I will only ask that you show respect for everyone involved by scheduling the hearing after Patya’s memorial.”

“Of course. When will that be?”

Victor stared at the attorney icily for a moment.

“Someone will contact you when the preparations are completed,” he answered in a clipped tone, “In the meantime, you and your clients are not to set foot on my property again, nor to annoy the children or their grandparents.”

The attorney gave him a hard look and nodded stiffly.

“Mr. and Mrs. Pechkin have no intention of annoying anyone. They only ask that they will be included in the service for their son.”

“They are not going to disrupt Patya’s memorial,” Victor said stridently, “They can attend, if they wish, but they are not to interfere with anyone there.”

Aristov nodded briefly.

“They only wish to say goodbye to Patya.”

“Then, it’s fine. The details will be sent to you.”

“And I will see that you receive the hearing information,” the attorney answered, “Thank you for your time, Victor.”

“Hmm.”

Victor watched guardedly as the man turned, walked back to his car and drove away. He closed the door and turned back, dropping the envelope he had been given into a small stack of mail on a table near the door. He walked back to the kitchen, where he found Yuuri and the children cleaning up the modeling clay. Yuuri read his expression and gave him a questioning look.

“Are you okay?” he asked, “Who was at the door?”

Victor glanced meaningfully at the children.

“No one important,” he replied, “But…I will still need some time with…”

He and closed his eyes, covering his face with his hands for a moment, then a long, ragged sigh escaped him.

“On second thought, I need to skate a little. Let’s go on to the rink. I will talk to Filip and Eva after I relax a little bit.”

“Okay,” Yuuri said bracingly, “whatever you need.”

Victor gave his husband a gentle smile and a tender kiss on the mouth.

“Thank you, Yuuri,” he said gratefully, “You don’t know how much I appreciate everything you are doing for the children and for me.”

Yuuri tightened his arms around Victor and his smile warmed.

“I’m not doing that much, really. I wish I could make this all easier for all of you.”

“I know, and that means everything to me,” Victor assured him.

He turned his attention to the waiting boy and girl.

“Will the two of you please go and change?” he requested, “We’ll be going to the ice rink to skate for awhile.”

“Yes, Uncle Vitya,” the two answered, heading off to collect their things.

Victor looked solemnly in the direction the two had gone.

“They seem to be doing well, considering,” Yuuri commented, following his partner’s troubled gaze.

“Well, children are resilient, although…I don’t really think we’ve seen Liev and Akilina’s recovery yet. It’s just that they are focusing on other things and we are diverting them. It will take time for it to settle in on them what losing both of their parents really is.”

Yuuri’s brown eyes softened sympathetically.

“You would know about something like that, because of your own experience,” he commented, “You lost your parents while you were still young.”

“Yes,” Victor acknowledged, “Like Liev and Akilina, I reacted strongly, but Yakov, Lilia and nearly everyone else encouraged me to focus on rebuilding my life and moving forward. Patya was different.”

He paused, closing his eyes for a moment as he remembered.

“He made me feel safe. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. We were best friends and we loved each other. And even though I was afraid of being close to anyone after all that I’d lost, I was already too close to Patya to let go. I never imagined how things would turn out. I know I did everything I could, but Patya was broken inside, and that wasn’t something I could fix, no matter how hard I tried.”

“Well, I’m sure you did all that you could,” Yuuri said, hugging Victor and kissing him on the cheek, “If you couldn’t help Patya, then no one could.”

“That is…very kind of you to say,” Victor said appreciatively, “Thank you again, Yuuri.”

“That’s what friends are for, right?” Yuuri said, squeezing his hand, then letting go as the children returned alongside their grandparents.

Victor gave the two kids a gentle smile.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked, “Do you have your skates?”

“They’re at home,” Akilina recalled.

“Hmm, well, it’s close. We can get them on the way,” Victor suggested, “Come.”

The six headed out to the grandparents’ van and Yuuri and Victor took places in the middle seats, while the two children climbed into the back. Eva rode in the front passenger seat, while Filip drove. Victor and Yuuri turned slightly to look over their shoulders as they talked with the children.

“Have you two been doing any skating recently?” Victor asked, “I’ve been busy with skating competitions, so I haven’t been around to go with you.”

“I go to the ice rink a lot,” Akilina answered, “but Liev stopped going because some of his friends started teasing him about it.”

“Shut up, Akulya!” Liev snapped, “That’s not why. Maybe I just don’t like skating that much as you do! I don’t have to.”

“No,” Victor agreed, “you don’t have to like skating if it isn’t what interests you. But, if what Akulya said is true and you are being teased, just remember that I was teased for the same thing when I was younger.”

Akilina’s eyes widened and Liev blinked in surprise, then he turned his head slightly to hide his reaction.

“Really, Uncle Vitya?” Akilina asked, “You got teased for being a skater?”

“I did,” Victor confirmed, focusing his eyes on the young girl, but aware that her brother was stealing little glances, “The boys who were my age were mostly into other things, and they thought that a boy doing things like ballet and dance, and a boy who had long hair and wore the clothes for those things that I did was somehow wrong for being different than they were. So, one day, some of those boys cornered me on my way to school, and they started to hurt me.”

“What did you do, Uncle Vitya?” Akilina exclaimed worriedly, “How did you get away from them?”

“I didn’t,” Victor said, locking eyes with Liev, who froze, staring back at him, “They beat me up pretty badly, then they held me down and one of them was going to cut away my long hair. But, just then, someone started yelling at them to stop, and he pulled them off of me.”

“Daddy?” Akilina asked hopefully.

“Yes,” Victor affirmed, “Patya started fighting with them, and I was so inspired by his kindness to me and his courage, that I got up and helped him. Not very much, because I was kind of a mess, but they saw that Patya wasn’t going to let them hurt me anymore, and they gave up and ran off. Patya took me to his house that was nearby. His parents were already at work, but he had a house key. He cleaned up the mess they’d made of me and gave me something to wear, so that we could go on to school. And when we were late and had to go to the headmaster’s office, he told them what happened, and the boys were called in and punished. From that day, Patya and I were friends. There was never a better friend to me than he was.”

Victor made a sound of surprise as sudden tears welled up in Liev’s blue eyes.

“If you were such good friends, then why didn’t you stop him from falling?” the boy accused him in a hurt tone.

“Liev…” Victor began.

“If you and Dad were friends, you should have helped him like he helped you!” Liev shouted.

“I wish so much that I could have helped him,” Victor answered in a shaky voice, “I swear that if I could have been there, I would have been.”

“Did he tell you that he was feeling sad?” the boy asked, still in that accusing tone, “Did you know? The news said that sometimes people hurt themselves because they’re sad. Did you know if he was sad?”

“I…ah…” Victor stammered, paling visibly.

“Liev,” Yuuri interjected solemnly, “even if Victor did know if your father was sad about something, there is no easy way to know a person is sad enough to take his own life. And the truth is, the police don’t know if Patya did try to take his own life or if he just had a very unfortunate accident.”

“Why don’t they know?” the boy demanded, “They should know if he fell on accident or if he fell on purpose!”

“It’s complicated,” Victor explained, “because Patya had been drinking alcohol at the wedding reception. You know that alcohol affects both a person’s mind and his body.”

“Then, if he was sad, he shouldn’t have been drinking,” Liev said angrily, “But he drank because of your wedding, and then he fell! This is your fault, isn’t it? It’s your fault that Dad died?”

Victor stared wordlessly at the boy with a bewildered expression.

“No, Liev,” Yuuri said firmly.

“What do you mean?” the boy demanded, “Uncle Vitya was Dad’s best friend and he knew Dad was sad about something. But he let Dad drink and he left him alone and Dad fell!”

“That’s not the way it happened,” Yuuri insisted, “Victor and I both saw your father before he went up to his room for the night. We did not think that Patya was sad about anything when we said our goodbyes, isn’t that right, Victor?”

“That’s right,” Victor said, nodding, “He was smiling when we said goodnight. I didn’t see anything to tell me that he was sad then. Liev, I would not have left Patya alone if I thought something was wrong. I promise you, I would have talked to him.”

The boy looked ready to argue, but he was stopped by the arrival of the van at the Pechkin residence. The four adults frowned, then Victor made an angry growl and jumped out of the car as it pulled into the driveway. He ran to the open front door and confronted the uniformed officer who stood on the porch.

“What is this? What are you doing in Patya’s home?” he demanded.

“Victor Nikiforov?” the officer inquired, his eyes registering recognition, “Mr Nikiforov, I will have to ask you to wait outside for now.”

“But why?” Victor persisted, “You can’t just go into a man’s house like this without permission. Even though Patya has died…”

“We are conducting an investigation into his death,” the policeman explained, “The information forwarded to the Saint Petersburg office left questions about Mr. Pechkin’s state of mind at the time of his death. I am sure you understand the importance of gathering all of the pertinent information.”

“I do,” Victor admitted grudgingly, “I suppose it just…feels wrong to see someone else going through his home.”

He sighed softly, glancing back at the van, where Yuuri waited with the children as Filip and Eva approached them.

“What’s going on, Officer?” Filip asked.

“They are investigating Patya’s death,” Victor explained in a half-hearted tone, “The international investigation could not make a final conclusion about his state of mind when he died, so…they are looking for clues here.”

“I see,” Filip said quietly, meeting the officer’s eyes, “I understand, of course, but this is upsetting for the children.”

“I am sorry,” the officer said sympathetically, “Our officers will try to leave the home in an acceptable state.”

“Thank you. But could we be permitted to go inside, only to take the children’s ice skates? We are going to the rink together, and we need them for that.”

The officer nodded.

“Just be sure not to disturb the areas where the officers are conducting their search.”

Filip nodded.

“Of course.”

He started to enter, but paused at the sound of Victor’s voice.

“Why don’t you let me?” he offered.

“All right, Vitya,” Filip agreed, “We will be in the car.”

Victor stepped into the house and came to a stop in the entryway, his mind going back to the last time he had stood in the same place.

_Patya smiled at Victor as the two stood in the entry with the door open to the brilliant sunset outside. Patya’s arms shook very slightly as they embraced him._

_“The next time I see you, you will be about to marry Yuuri Katsuki. I am… so very happy for the two of you.”_

_“Thank you,” Victor sighed, hugging him back, “That means a lot to me.”_

_He looked out at the setting sun for a moment, then back at his friend._

_“Patya, it also means a lot to me that you are happy. I want you to smile. And more than anything, I want you to fall in love again someday.”_

_“Oh…no, no, no,” his friend laughed wearily, “I’ve been lucky to have you and Letya. It would be sinful to ask for more, and really…no one could replace either of you. You know that, Vitya.”_

_“Stop it,” Victor said, shaking his head, “No one said anything about replacing anyone.”_

_“You know what I mean,” Patya persisted, “I’m not good for anyone. And I have Liev and Akilina to consider. I need to do what’s best for them.”_

_“This is what’s best for them. What’s best for you is good for them too. They would understand.”_

_“Vitya, no…”_

“Mr. Nikiforov?”

Victor blinked, suddenly seeing the detective that had approached him as he daydreamed.

“S-sorry,” Victor apologized.

“It’s okay,” the dark-haired man said, looking at him curiously, then extending a hand, “I am Denis Markov. I am the lead investigator on Mr. Pechkin’s case. I won’t ask how you are. I imagine this has been very hard for you, if not because you and Ipati were friends, then because of your prior relationship?”

“Yes,” Victor affirmed, “Is there something I can do to help you, Denis?”

The detective nodded.

“If you will come with me?” he asked.

“S-sure. Just…I can’t keep the children and their grandparents waiting for long. We’re going skating together.”

“This will not take long. It’s just that I found something in Mr. Pechkin’s room and I wanted to get your perspective.”

“Okay,” Victor said uneasily, following the detective to the bedroom door.

“I will warn you that while what I’ve found is not disturbing on the surface, you may have a strong reaction. Would you like to have someone with you?”

“What is in there?” Victor asked, paling slightly, “What did you find?”

“I think you need to see to understand. And just so you know, I did not move anything. Everything in the room is just as Mr. Pechkin left it.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll ask again, because I think you may be surprised, should someone come with you?”

“No, it’s fine,” Victor said, swallowing hard.

His teeth clenched as the detective took hold of the door handle and swung the door to the master suite open.

Victor’s breath froze in his chest at the sight of the pictures and letters laid out all over the bed. For a moment, he couldn’t make his legs move, then he stumbled to the bed, nearly falling onto it as Detective Markov caught him around the waist to steady him.

“Are you all right?” Markov asked.

Tears flooded Victor’s shocked eyes as he took in the pictures that traced his life, from when he was a child and he and Patya had first met, to the last picture of Victor and Yuuri on their wedding announcement. Next to the last picture was the beginnings of a letter.

_Dearest Vitya,_

_It’s hard to believe that in a few days, I will stand with you and watch you finally marry someone who can make you happy as I could not. Before that happens, I want to tell you that…_

The words ended abruptly, and the last looked smudged, as though something wet had fallen on it.

“Victor,” the detective said solemnly, “is there anything that you want to tell me about your relationship with Mr. Pechkin?”

Victor closed his eyes, but a large tear escaped and rolled down his face.

“What is there to say?” he asked in a shaky voice, “I think it’s clear, don’t you? Patya was in love with me all along, through everything. Everything else, his leaving me, his marriage to Letya… _everything_ …it was all a lie.”

The detective placed a supportive hand on Victor’s shoulder.

“You…didn’t know?”

“I suspected,” Victor confessed softly, “But Patya was plagued by ghosts that I could not chase away. His parents hated that we were lovers a long time ago. They…while he was young, they sent him to a conversion camp. They said horrible things to him. They…hated me. I think they still do. Patya broke under the pressure, and he made excuses and he left me long ago. But, I made peace with everything, and I accepted the lies, because I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Victor, looking at this, it’s clear that Ipati Pechkin went to your wedding with all of this weighing on him.”

“I know,” Victor agreed, his voice breaking, “and I will carry that to the grave.”

The detective looked down at his notes and then back at Victor.

“I can’t conclude anything more than the Denmark authorities did. It’s clear that Ipati was in a depressed state, but the evidence around his death is unclear. I also with have to leave the question of whether it was an accident or not unanswered.”

“Victor?” Yuuri’s voice called from the bedroom doorway, “It’s been awhile. Is everything okay?”

His eyes widened and he looked at the detective for permission to enter, then rushed to Victor’s side.

“Victor!”

“I’m all right,” Victor whispered, “but I need to go home. I feel…sick.”

Yuuri looked down at the display on the bed, then he turned in front of his husband to block the view.

“Let me take you back to the car.”

“But we were…”

“It’s okay. The kids will understand. Come on.”

As the detective watched through sympathetic eyes, Yuuri led Victor out of the room and back to the car.


	9. Ipati's Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Liev have a heart to heart talk, then Victor has an important question for Yuuri.

Yuuri carefully placed servings of freshly made Russian pancakes on six plates and nodded to Liev and Akilina to come and help him.

“Can you take the plates to the table?” he asked.

“Yes, Yuuri-san!” the children answered, using the appellation that Victor had taught them.

Akilina left for the table, carrying two of the plates, but Liev paused, looking at the plate made up for Victor.

“Yuuri-san, is Uncle Vitya going to come to the table?” he inquired, glancing in the direction of the master bedroom door, “He is usually up by now. Is he still not feeling well from yesterday?”

“I think he’s still not feeling well,” Yuuri sighed anxiously, “but hey, maybe seeing you would cheer him up. Why don’t you take his breakfast in to him? You can ask if he needs anything else.”

“You don’t think he would be bothered?” the boy asked, giving him an uncertain look that Yuuri was sure he’d seen on Victor’s face before.

_Victor really is part of Patya’s family. I can see it all of the time in the children, the little expressions or ways of doing things that they must have picked up from him. Liev’s eyes remind me of Victor’s…_

“I’m sure the last thing Victor would be is bothered by you. Go on. I think he’s awake. He’s still just resting.”

The boy nodded and picked up Victor’s plate. He thought for a moment, then picked up his own and walked into the bedroom, where he found Victor reclining quietly in the bed with Maccachin laying beside him. Liev carried the plates to the bed and smiled at Victor worriedly.

“Oh, good morning, Liev,” Victor greeted him, “That looks and smells very good. Were you cooking with Yuuri?”

Liev nodded.

“We were teaching Yuuri-san how to make your favorite, syrniki, for breakfast,” he answered, offering him the plate, “Do you feel well enough to eat something?”

Victor’s smile was weary, but it warmed as he patted the bed, inviting Liev to join him.

“I think so,” he replied, “but I think I’d like it if you stayed.”

“I won’t be bothering you, Uncle Vitya?”

“No, you will not be bothering me,” Victor assured him, “Sit down.”

He held Liev’s plate while the boy climbed onto the bed. Maccachin whined and thumped his tail on the bed and Victor ate one bite, then shared a bit with the old poodle. They continued in silence for several minutes as each struggled for something to say.

“This is wonderful,” Victor said, finally breaking the silence, “I already thought that Eva makes the best syrniki in the world, and now she is teaching Yuuri to as well.”

“Yuuri-san wants to make you happy,” Liev concluded.

“Yes.”

Victor’s expression softened as the boy’s eyes clouded up and he looked down at his plate to hide the threatening tears.

“What is it?” he asked gently, laying a hand on the boy’s slightly trembling shoulder, “Liev, what can I do to help you?”

“I don’t know,” the boy answered, sniffing softly, “I’m just…sad. It makes me sad that Mom couldn’t be here for Dad and that made him so sad.”

He seemed to think for a moment, then he turned his head and looked at Victor through teary eyes that were beginning to spill over.

“Sorry!” he apologized.

“It’s okay,” Victor said reassuringly, squeezing Liev’s shoulder, “That made me sad too.”

The boy bit his lip, measuring his words carefully before going on.

“H-he was happy when you came over. He was still sad that Mom died, but when you would come it was…more like how it was when she was there. Dad was better.”

Victor drew in a slow breath.

“I was happy to be there.”

“Then…why did you leave us and marry Yuuri-san?” the boy asked, making Victor freeze for a moment,

“Liev, I…”

“Uncle Vitya,” the boy said in a troubled tone, “I know I wasn’t supposed to, but…I heard Mom tell Dad when she was dying that…that…”

Victor gave the boy a crestfallen look.

“That must have been very confusing for you,” he said uneasily, “I am sorry.”

“Did Dad really love you the way you love Yuuri-san?”

Victor’s eyes closed for a moment and his teeth clenched behind very slightly trembling lips.

“That was a long time ago,” he managed shakily, “I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Did you love him back?” Liev asked, his voice tensing.

Victor gazed back at him helplessly.

“I did,” he answered honestly.

Liev’s frown deepened.

“But you didn’t stay with him?” he asked.

Victor took a steadying breath.

“It was…confusing for Patya,” he explained, trying to keep his voice calm, “Liev, you know that some people think that it is okay for men to love other men or for women to love other women and some people do not, _da_?”

“Mmhmm,” the boy answered, focusing his eyes steadily on Victor’s.

“Well,” Victor went on, “the laws in our country sort of encourage people to think it’s wrong.”

“But, it’s not…is it?” Liev asked, giving him a confused look.

“I don’t think it is,” Victor assured him, “I think that…our hearts tell us who we love, and no one else should tell us that we’re wrong. The world is starting to change so that people like Yuuri and me can get married and be spouses, just like Patya and Letya were.”

“Only you can’t have babies,” Liev pointed out.

“No, we can’t,” Victor agreed, managing a little smile, “Still, here is Russia, a lot of people don’t agree with us. Sadly, for Patya…his parents did not think it was right for Patya and I to be together. This was very hard for Patya, and in the end, it broke his heart. This is what made him so sad. He loved me, but he was scared because he didn’t know if it was right or wrong. He tore himself apart inside, because he loved his parents and he loved me. In the end, he left me, but not because he stopped loving me. It was just too painful for him to battle all of the bad emotions.”

“Did you try to make him stay with you?” Liev pressed, “Were you mad when he married Mom?”

Victor gave the boy a tender smile.

“I was sad when Patya left me, and I was both happy and sad when he married Letya. But…Letya was such a kind person. She knew of Patya’s struggle, and she encouraged him to remain good friends with me. We stayed close, and that helped all of us. And when you and Akilina were born, it was even better.”

Liev looked down at his plate again and gave a ragged sigh.

“I wish Mom didn’t die.”

“Me too,” Victor answered, “And I wish that Patya was still here.”

“Uncle Vitya, what do you really think? Do you think Dad fell on purpose or do you think it was an accident?”

Victor bit his lip gently and turned his head to look out the window.

“I don’t know what happened in his hotel room that night,” he confessed softly, “but…my heart tells me that Patya had too much to live for. I know he was sad, because he felt confused about whether leaving me had been right or wrong, but he still had my friendship and he still had you and your sister. I have to believe that he was sad, but that it was the drinking that made him reckless and caused him to fall. And I promise you, that if I had even had the slightest feeling that anything bad was going to happen, I would not have left him alone. Liev, I loved Patya like a brother.”

“Dad loved you too,” Liev acknowledged, “That’s why he told us to call you Uncle Vitya.”

“Yes,” Victor agreed, “and because we loved each other like brothers, I feel bad that I did not sense how deep his sadness was, or that it could make him reckless. I didn’t know.”

Liev gave a tentative nod and sucked in a shaky breath.

“I believe you.”

Victor froze at the admission, his throat tightening so that he couldn’t make a sound and his face a mask of anguish for a moment before he managed to bring it back under his control.

“Uncle Vitya!” Liev gasped.

“I’m okay,” Victor whispered, taking hold of him and hugging him tightly, “I didn’t mean to frighten you. It just…means a lot to me that you believe me. I love you and Akilina like you were my own, and I promise you that Yuuri and I will be there for you. Filip and Eva will be too.”

“But…how do you know?” Liev asked sadly, “Mom didn’t think she was going to die, and Dad probably didn’t think he would either. You’re sad right now too, Uncle Vitya…”

Victor’s breath caught at the look of worry on the little boy’s face and he captured it in his hands and kissed Liev tenderly on the top of the head.

“I swear to you,” he promised, “what happened to Patya isn’t going to happen to me.”

“But, you’re sad too, and you drink a lot like Dad did,” the boy objected, “How do you know?”

“Do you feel this?” Victor asked, taking the boy’s hand and holding over his beating heart.

Liev looked back at him curiously and nodded.

“My heart is strong in a way that Patya’s could not be. I feel no confusion about my love for your father or about my love for Yuuri. I am sad, but your love and Yuuri’s and your grandparents’ is enough to keep me strong. Let all of our love keep you strong too. We will be all right. It will be okay. Liev, we will take care of each other.”

His words seemed to mollify the boy, and the two finished their meal together before Yuuri stepped into the room to collect the dishes.

“I’ll take them to the kitchen, Yuuri-san, so you can sit with Uncle Vitya,” Liev offered.

“Thanks,” Yuuri said gratefully, taking a seat on the bed, beside his still weary looking husband, “How are you holding up?”

Victor shrugged.

“As well as can be expected, I suppose. It was good to talk to Liev. There were questions he needed to ask, and I was glad to be there for him, even if I didn’t have answers to all of them.”

“I’m sure you did fine,” Yuuri encouraged him, “You’re really good with the kids.”

“Thank you,” Victor said, sincerely.

He sighed and thought briefly before asking his next question.

“Yuuri, may I ask you something, and I want you to be honest with me when you answer.”

“Okay,” replied, frowning and tilting his head slightly, “What do you want to ask me?”

Victor took a breath, steadying himself.

“Will you tell me how you feel about the prospect of being like parents to Patya and Letya’s children? Everything has been happening so quickly, we really haven’t had the chance to talk about it. I want you to tell me the truth?”

“I thought that you were going to encourage Filip and Eva to seek custody.”

“I am planning to do that,” Victor affirmed, “I just think that it would be wrong to make them suffer through a public battle over them too. But even though I won’t be raising the children, I will be spending a lot of time with them and looking out for them. That can’t be easy for you, considering that Patya was once my lover.”

“You know that doesn’t matter to me.”

“But, it does matter to me. I have to know that I’m not hurting you with this, Yuuri.”

“And I’m telling you,” Yuuri assured him, “I think you’re making the right decisions. I’ll be there for you.”

“But…how do you really feel about all of this? What is it doing to you?”

Yuuri didn’t answer right away, but took a minute to gather his thoughts.

“I think you need to stop worrying about me,” he said finally, “I’m okay with whatever you want to do, Victor. I know you’ll be a good father figure to the children, and I want to help you.”

“I know you do,” Victor acknowledged, “but I have to warn you, Patya’s parents have made it known that they are going to try to gain custody of the children…and…”

Yuuri gazed back at him questioningly.

“And,” Victor went on, “I am sure that one of the tactics they will use is to bring attention to the fact that you and I are in a homosexual relationship. You already know from having lived in Russia for awhile that this is looked down on and the laws about homosexuality are restrictive.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri agreed, looking down at the rings on their fingers, “Japan is more accepting, but we still couldn’t be married there either.”

“But here, the laws prohibit expressions of homosexual love in front of children and they actively punish those behaviors as crimes. We are already careful of what we do in public, but with the children having such close contact with me and Patya’s parents looking for ways to take them away…”

“What are you saying, Victor?” Yuuri asked anxiously, “Are you telling me that we might have to…to…?”

“I don’t know what we might have to do yet,” Victor admitted, taking his husband’s hands in his, “I only know that I won’t let us be separated…not you and me, and not us and the children. I will do what I need to do to protect all of us. It just may be a nasty fight, that’s all.”

Yuuri sighed and nodded.

“It’s going to be hard to shield Liev and Akilina from all of that,” he commented, “but I’m going to do my best to help you.”

Victor smiled and kissed him tenderly on the lips.

“I know you will. You are always there for me, and I know you will be there for the children too.”

“They’re really great kids,” Yuuri said admiringly, “I’m sure that Letya and Patya have been great parents, but it’s also clear to me how much you’ve been a part of their lives. There are so many little things that they seem to have picked up from you.”

“Well, when I lost my own family, I really only had Yakov, Lilia and Patya, so Patya and Letya sort of adopted me as their own. I think even orphans need to feel like they have some kind of family. This was the family that was there for me.”

“I’m glad,” Yuuri said, smiling and hugging Victor tightly.

Victor’s smile brightened.

“And now, I am part of your family too. I…would love for the children to meet them soon.”

“Really?” Yuuri asked, smiling.

“Mmhmm,” Victor affirmed, “They haven’t traveled much because of Letya’s illness and then how hard it was for Patya after. But…once things settle and get better, I would like to introduce Filip, Eva and the children to _my_ new family. I just know they will love your family, and that they will love Japan like I did. I swear it was the best thing I ever did, running away to Japan to coach you. I have never been happier than when I did that.”

“I was never happier either,” Yuuri laughed, “I mean, I was shocked when I learned that I had asked you to come while I was so drunk.”

“ _I_ was more shocked than you when I learned that you didn’t even remember seducing me on the dance floor and asking me to be your coach. I must have looked crazy, showing up there and demanding to coach you like I did.”

“Don’t worry about it. Everyone already knows that you kind of just do what you want to do. I can’t complain about the results.”

“Neither can I,” Victor chuckled, nuzzling closer to Yuuri and kissing him on the mouth, “You make me so happy, Yuuri. I look at you and…it’s always like seeing the sun rising, you know?”

“Is it?” Yuuri asked, blushing, “I’m not doing anything.”

“You don’t have to do anything at all,” Victor sighed, “Just…like you told me that time… _be who you are_.”

“I will be,” Yuuri said reassuringly, “I will always be the person who loves you and supports you the most.”

For just a moment, all of the sadness left Victor’s handsome face and his smile finally reached his handsome blue-green eyes.

“You are an angel, Yuuri,” he sighed, holding his husband close, “You are my own living angel.”

Yuuri hugged back for several long moments, then pulled away slightly to look into Victor’s eyes again.

“You know something?” he said softly, brushing the long silvery strands away from his husband’s face, “you were Ipati Pechkin’s angel before you were mine.”

“Yuuri,” Victor complained, “you don’t have to…”

“Patya was lucky to have your love.”

“What do you mean?” Victor asked, the sadness returning to his expression, “All I ever brought to that man’s life was chaos.”

“Yeah?” Yuuri snickered, “well chaos isn’t such a bad thing. Look at what happened for me. It isn’t about you taking a wrecking ball to his life, it’s about how you brought something wonderful to it. I know without having been there that Patya Pechkin’s life was worlds better, because he had you in it. I think he would have had the same struggles, with or without you. But you loved him through everything, Victor. You should never feel anything but good about that.”


	10. Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patya's family and friends say a sad goodbye to him.

Victor stood quietly in front of the full-length mirror in his and Yuuri’s bedroom, his hands trying to recall how to fix his stubbornly uncooperative tie. A little sad smile found its way onto his lips as Yuuri’s arms wrapped around him from behind, first warmly embracing him, then reaching up to finish tying his tie for him. Yuuri’s hands ran over the dark cloth, smoothing here or there, and his brown eyes met Victor’s in the mirror.

“Are you all right, Vitya?” he asked, “I mean, I know you’re not really, because of what day it is, but…”

“I’m okay,” Victor assured him, kissing him on the cheek, then sliding his arms around his husband and breathing in his comforting scent as they quietly held each other, “It’s good to get this done. I suppose we can’t really put our attention on healing until we’ve said goodbye properly.”

“Right.”

“Are the children ready?”

“Mmhmm, Filip and Eva were helping them. They are going out to the car now. Are you ready to go?”

Victor studied his reflection for a moment, his mind going back to the those final moments in the dressing room with Patya before the wedding.

_“Patya!”_

_Victor’s sudden exclamation jarred his friend out of his reverie, and Patya’s face reflected surprise at finding himself pressed up against his surprised ex-lover, with Victor’s back pushed up against the mirror and his blue-green eyes filled with shock._

_“What are you doing?” Victor asked in a panicked voice, shivering as Patya’s grip on him tightened and he leaned forward, forcing a sudden, impulsive kiss._

_Victor struggled underneath his hands and after a moment, pushed him away, his blue-green eyes flashing with confusion and anger._

_“Why the hell would you do that?” he snapped furiously, “Are you drunk already? What were you thinking?”_

_Patya stared back at Victor in silence, looking stymied by his own behavior and at the same time very much like he was wanting to kiss his former lover again._

_“You are my best friend! My brat! Why in god’s name would you step over that line now? Today, of all days? Why, Patya?” Victor scolded him._

“Vitya?”

Victor blinked and sucked in a shaky breath.

“Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Yuuri said solemnly, “I get it.”

Victor looked back at him wordlessly and Yuuri smiled sadly and hugged him again.

“It’s barely been a week since you were getting ready for our wedding, and Patya was in the dressing room with you, and tried to kiss you.”

_Of course he would be able to guess exactly what I’m thinking._

“Yuuri…”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said firmly, “You don’t need to feel any guilt, over him kissing you or anything else. Right now, all you need to do is put one foot in front of the other and go with us to say goodbye to our friend.”

Victor rested his chin on top of his husband’s head and closed his eyes.

“I don’t want to say goodbye to him,” he whispered, “I know I shouldn’t, but I feel angry at him, Yuuri. I don’t know what happened that night. Maybe it was just the alcohol and the sedative he’d taken that made him fall. Or maybe he wanted to. He was in pain and probably was just crazy for it to end, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“But even if it hurt so bad that he felt like he couldn’t go on, he had people who loved him. He had Filip and Eva, the children…and he had me. Just because I finally got over him leaving me and moved on…”

Victor’s breath caught as Yuuri’s hands took hold of his shoulders and his husband’s dark eyes locked on his.

“Is that what you think?” Yuuri asked sternly, holding his gaze, “That it was our wedding that made him do this? Because I think you know that’s not true. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not by accepting your separation from him, not by falling in love with me, and not by marrying me. Victor, Patya left you, and even after Letya died, he didn’t go back to you. Whatever his reasons, however messed up they were, he made a choice and you respected his decision. You didn’t just respect it, you bent over backwards to support him and to still be a part of his life. You gave him everything and he had the chance to be with you, if that’s what he wanted. He was just…messed up inside. He was confused and he just got lost and couldn’t pull himself out of that.”

“That’s when you need your friends most,” Victor argued, “I should have been there for him.”

“You were. He had to accept your help, and for his own reasons, he didn’t. That’s not your fault. Please, you have to stop blaming yourself. Like you keep telling everyone else, Patya made his own decisions. He made a poor decision to drown his sorrows in alcohol and medication, and accident or not, that is why…that’s why he died.”

Victor stood quietly, considering for a moment.

“You know, there was this moment,” he confessed, “when we were coming upstairs and you had gone on ahead to our room. Patya and I were alone in the hallway and I asked him if he would be all right. We were all pretty drunk and I was just being sure, you know, because of that. Patya just said he was fine and he hugged me, Yuuri. When I think back, I remember I wasn’t so sure…but I hugged him back and said goodnight, then I walked away. I can’t help but wonder if…”

He broke off, choking up closing his suddenly teary eyes tightly.

“Shh,” Yuuri soothed him, pressing his cheek to his distressed husband’s, “Let it go. You did everything humanly possible.”

“I mean, if I had just asked him again or…”

“You did _everything_ you could,” Yuuri insisted, “Come on, now. We need to go and say goodbye, Vitya.”

Victor slowed his breaths forcibly and nodded.

“Okay.”

Yuuri stepped back slightly and took his husband’s arm. The two left the bedroom and walked silently out to where a black limousine waited for them with the children and their maternal grandparents already inside. Victor smiled at the children as he joined them. He leaned over and smoothed a wild curl of Akilina’s hair, then reached over and squeezed Liev’s hand. He sat back again as the car pulled away from the curb and carried them to the mortuary.

The car moved smoothly through the early morning traffic, and Victor spotted a news helicopter in the sky overhead as they arrived at their destination. They left the car and moved into the crowded entry where guests were greeting each other and talking softly. The funeral director met them quickly and led them to a greeting area, where they welcomed each of the guests as they passed into the room where Patya’s casket had been placed. Victor kept his eyes carefully lowered as he greeted Patya’s equally distant parents in a stiff, formal tone.

“Larina, Renat.”

“Victor.”

The two, followed by their lawyer, ignored Yuuri’s presence at the Russian skater’s side and said nothing to Letya’s parents as they entered.

When all of the guests had been welcomed, Victor and Yuuri joined Eva and Filip where they sat with Liev and Akilina in the front row. The officiant, an old friend of Letya’s family stepped to the front and cleared his throat softly. As he began to speak, Victor’s mind slipped backwards in time to another friend’s untimely funeral.

_He stood alongside Patya, biting at his lips as he tried to make sense of the scene in front of him, the oddly young body to be lying so still and the familiar face that looked wrong being so pale it had to be made up slightly to look normal. He felt Patya’s hand touch his and his friend gave him a sad smile._

_“Are you okay?” Patya asked in a whisper, “If you feel ill, we can slip outside. Everyone will understand.”_

_“It’s just wrong,” he whispered back, resting his head on his friend’s shoulder, “Saveli did nothing wrong. He was just riding in a car to a ball game. He…was supposed to call me when he got back because we were…”_

_“I know,” Patya said sympathetically._

_“He never c-called,” Victor said, his eyes filling with fresh tears._

_“I know, I know,” Patya said reassuringly, tightening his hold on Victor’s hand, “He had unfinished business.”_

_“He was…supposed to…”_

_“Shh, it’s okay. Come, Vitya, I think you need some fresh air.”_

Victor heard the officiant introduce him and somehow his legs carried him to the front of the room. He took a steadying breath, trying to pretend it was the beginning of an important skating routine. His features remained somber, but his heart slowed and he felt as though the people in front of him were beginning to disappear.

_This is the last place I want to be, the last thing I want to be doing. Patya…why did you make me have to do this? Why am I standing here, having to find the words to comfort everyone, when I just want to cry? Wasn’t it enough that I loved you through everything? That I accepted you leaving? That I watched you marry someone else? That I stayed in your life and gave you nothing but support as you grew your family right in front of me? Don’t you see the place you have left me? I don’t know what to say to them._

_And I don’t know what to do._

_They are waiting._

_The expectations are high._

_And just like when I skate, I need to do the unexpected. I need to make sense of this. I need to find something to ease the feelings of loss for them. In your place, I must take care of them._

He felt keenly the dark, confrontational eyes of Patya’s parents.

_So much is broken and I don’t know what to do to fix it. I guess that you didn’t know what to do either. That’s why you are lying where you are now. And looking at you, I feel so many things all at once. I am sad that you’ve gone. I am angry at you for leaving. I feel guilt that as hard as I tried, I could not save you. I feel betrayed, because we were like brothers, but there were things you kept from me, that you couldn’t bear to speak to me, although you probably suspected I already knew…that you never fell out of love for me…that you only left me, because I would forgive you if you did, but if you continued to rebel against your parents, you would lose them completely. It killed you that you lost them anyway._

_You tried so hard._

_I tried to be there for you._

_We failed together, and now we are here._

_I don’t know what to do with that._

He cleared his throat softly and took a steadying breath.

“From the first day I met Patya,” he began, “I fell in love with his strong, protective side. We were just little boys then, but I was disliked because I wore my hair long and I was already a dancer and skater. One day, some of the boys from our school attacked me as I walked near Patya’s home. They held me down and one said that they would break my legs so that I couldn’t be a dancer anymore, and the other took out his scissors to cut away my long hair. Before they could deliver on their threats, Patya pushed them away from me and started to fight them. At first, I was just scared and I couldn’t move, but…then Patya encouraged me to fight for myself too.

I wasn’t used to doing that. Before that, I never said anything back to the boys and girls who teased me. My coach told me that I was a special talent and that normal children couldn’t be expected to understand. Patya heard that and he spit on the ground and he told me to shut up and fight with him. For the first time, I learned that I needed to fight for myself and I needed to be a survivor.

Those lessons served me well. Patya and I fought through many more things together as the years went on. He was at my side when I won my first junior world championship, and I was with him as he married Letya and built the family he so wanted to have. There is nothing that Patya would not do for the people he loved. He was kind. He was loyal. He was truly caring. Patya still had so much to live for, and I believe with all of my heart that he did not want to die. And even though he has passed from life, I know that if he could speak to us, he would do as he did that day, long ago, when he found me crying and bloodied, and being hurt. He would tell us to get up and keep fighting. He would tell us that we deserve to be happy. He would tell us that each day we have together is precious and we should love and protect each other. I am thankful to my friend for teaching me what is most important, and I know I am not the only one who will always remember him for the wonderful man he was.”

Victor moved back to rejoin Yuuri beside Filip, Eva and the children as others came forward to briefly speak about their late friend. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Patya’s father, standing still and wearing a stony expression, while his mother kept her face slightly bowed and wiped at her eyes several times. An aching tiredness overtook him as he took in the number of people coming forward to speak.

_I don’t understand why Patya died. With everyone here who is speaking for him, with all of this love that was around him, why couldn’t it be enough? Why? Why did Patya have to die? Was it the drugs in his system that made him act recklessly? Or did Patya…?_

_No._

_I won’t believe it!_

_I refuse to believe that Patya really forgot all of us and chose to die like that. The drugs in his system made his mind fuzzy and he couldn’t think straight. That has to be it. That has to be what it was. God knows I need that to be the reason, because I just can’t bear to think he…that pain he would have to be feeling…to…_

“I would like to say something,” Patya’s mother said suddenly, breaking into Victor’s reverie and making his heart pound and skitter with anxiety.

“Larina,” Filip said in a quiet voice, before Victor could move to answer, “you are welcome. Just please be respectful of everyone here. We are all in mourning.”

Renat’s eyes flashed and both he and his wife stiffened, but neither responded. Larina moved to stand in front of the gathering and drew a shaky breath before continuing.

“It seems unreal to me that we can be standing here, saying goodbye to our son with our last words having been exchanged in anger. This is not what Renat and I pictured when we fell in love at a church social, as he courted me, then asked my father for my hand in marriage. It was not what we pictured when I found out I was with child, through all of the days we planned for our baby’s arrival and dreamed of our future with him. We had no idea when we welcomed him that first time, with wide open arms, that he would be taken from them well before death could take us…that somewhere, somehow…”

She paused and met Victor’s tortured eyes directly.

“some _one_ would excite and confuse him…”

“Larina,” Filip said warningly.

“would seduce him away from the values that we instilled in him and make him question himself to the point of madness.”

“I have to ask you to stop,” Filip said, stepping towards her.

“Let her finish,” Renat said sternly, “She has not insulted anyone and has no desire but to lament our son’s passing.”

“I am sorry, but…”

“It’s all right,” Victor said suddenly, earning small gasps from the other guests, “It is true that Patya was confused, although I don’t feel that it was me who confused him. Still, you deserve to remember your son how you wish.”

Larina glared at him even more icily.

“The world is a cruel and confusing place, and despite our best efforts and the efforts of the clergy at our church, we were unable to bring peace back into our son’s heart. We failed…all of us.”

She turned and knelt in front of Patya’s casket, taking a shuddering breath before going on.

“I am sorry for failing you. This is our punishment for doing that. I know you are at peace now, and your eyes have been cleared of the confusion. I hope that you meet us one day when we come too, to the afterlife…that God will forgive us all for our shortcomings…”

She rose and turned back to meet Victor’s eyes again.

“and that he will punish the ones whose rebellious hearts do not understand penitence. Renat and I have lost our son. There is nothing that we can do for Patya now, but…we can offer our grandchildren a happy home where they will be well adjusted. And maybe, since we cannot save our son, we can save these little ones instead. We will do our best to try.”

Victor felt the challenge in the words and noticed the Pechkin’s lawyer watching his reaction closely. He kept carefully silent as Larina moved closer to him, continuing to look into his widened eyes.

“Vitya…”

He flinched at the familiarity that ached with wrongness, but carried an odd amount of what seemed like affection.

“You were our Patya’s close friend. You watched him go from a confident young boy to the confused person he was after your… _encounters_.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Victor answered softly, “Patya was not confused by our love. He only became that way when you told him that our love was sinful and wrong.”

Larina nodded in affirmation.

“The truth can hurt sometimes.”

“Our love was not wrong.”

“But it was,” Larina insisted, “Vitya, you live in a dream world that has no reality. It is not just on the ice that you pretend.”

“Stop,” Yuuri said, stepping between the two, “Don’t talk to him like that.”

“Look at this boy who you call your husband,” Larina persisted, “You and I both know that your marriage is not real. It is a piece of paper that you might as well burn for all of the reality it reflects. Open your eyes before it is too late, before something like what happened to our Patya also happens to you or this one you say you love.”

“Why do you care at all about what happens to me?” Victor asked over Yuuri’s next attempt at an objection, “You think I’m at fault for, what did you say? I confused Patya? It was Patya who first confessed love to me, not the other way around.”

“Patya was blinded by the temptation you presented him with, you with your lovely costumes and playful dancing that relied so much on blurring the lines of gender. Did you think we didn’t notice how you did that?”

“It was performance,” Victor said reflexively.

“Was it?” Larina pressed, taking another step towards him, “Or was it a cry for help because it was you who was confused, Vitya?”

“No…”

“You lost your parents at an early age. You had no one to guide you. Right now, we have lost our son and we have no son to guide. Let us help you.”

Victor paled an took a step back, staring at her in horrified fascination.

“Don’t listen to her,” Yuuri warned him, taking his arm, “Vitya…”

“I know we did not handle Patya’s death well and that we hurt you with our accusations, but we have had time to reflect, to speak to our clergyman, to pray. And our prayer has made us sure that we should offer you forgiveness, Vitya. That we should offer you healing and guidance to clear your confusion and make you whole again.”

“I am not broken,” Victor said, his voice shaking.

“But you are. You only refuse to see, because the truth is painful.”

“Enough,” Filip said, joining Yuuri between Larina and Victor, “This is Patya’s memorial. Save this for another time.”

“Of course,” Larina whispered, rejoining her husband.

Yuuri pressed close to Victor’s side as the officiant cleared his throat nervously and began the final blessings.

“Are you okay?” he whispered.

Victor nodded wordlessly, but his mind spun with the sound of Larina’s soft, pleading voice that made such horrid accusations, that twisted what he recalled, spinning it into a tangled web. He breathed slowly and remained silent as the last blessings were completed, then he and Yuuri stepped forward with Filip, Renat and two other friends of Patya to lift and carry his casket to the waiting hearse. They set it in the back, then all of the guests followed the hearse in slow procession to the cemetery. The pallbearers lifted the casket out again and when the guests had assembled around the grave, they carried it forward as another of Patya’s male friends sang, accompanied by an acoustic guitar.

 _“The Rose,”_ Victor mused inwardly as he helped to carry his friend’s body to its final resting place, _It’s sad, but hopeful…like we are today._

He watched silently as Patya’s casket was lowered, and he was sure that a dead part of himself was being buried there too.

_Goodbye Patya._

_I promise you that I will give Liev and Akilina all of the love that you and Letya meant for them to have. That’s all that’s left that I can do._


	11. The Weight Made Lighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Victor prepares himself for the custody battle for Patya and Letya's children, he makes a stunning confession to Yuuri.

Victor opened the door to his house and stood back to let Eva, Filip and Yuuri, then the children enter before him. The elder couple and the children headed down the hallway together, while Victor stopped Yuuri in the entry and closed the door behind them. Yuuri gave his husband a questioning look and Victor sighed and lifted a hand to cup his cheek.

“I want to thank you, Yuuri,” Victor said gratefully, “Today was a very difficult day for all of us, but now that Patya has been remembered and buried, it’s time for us to focus on the things that we have had to neglect.”

Yuuri gave him a gentle smile.

“We haven’t neglected anything,” he assured his husband, placing his hand over the one that rested on his cheek.

“We’ve been married for a week and we haven’t made love since our wedding night,” Victor reminded him, “and we should make new plans for our honeymoon.”

“Those aren’t the most important things,” Yuuri argued, “Victor, we needed to say a proper goodbye to our friend…and now, we need to think about what is best for our friends’ children.”

Victor smiled sadly and nodded.

“We will begin dealing with the legal things tomorrow. I have a meeting with my attorney and Patya’s to arrange for the children to be placed in Filip and Eva’s custody.”

“Hmm, you really don’t want to raise the kids, yourself?” Yuuri asked.

Victor sighed again and moved closer, hugging Yuuri and resting his chin on top of his husband’s head, letting Yuuri burrow into his shoulder.

“How could I?” he mused, “You know that Renat and Larina are going to be contesting custody, and part of that would be pointing out that I am married to a man. Russia has been changing for the worse when it comes to that, so…it is likely that if I try to take custody of the children, Renat and Larina would grasp on that to try to take the children away. Of course, I…”

Victor paused, and Yuuri peeked out from under his husband’s chin to meet Victor’s distant eyes.

“What was that?” he asked.

He felt Victor tense for a moment and read the uncomfortable look in his eyes.

“Vitya, is something wrong?” he asked.

Victor hesitated a moment longer, then shook his head and hugged Yuuri more tightly.

“You know that we’re not considered married here,” Yuuri reminded him.

Victor frowned and stepped back, meeting Yuuri’s brown eyes questioningly.

“To the Russian government, we are just living together.”

“Yuuri, don’t talk like that,” Victor chided him, “I don’t care what anyone here says, we _are_ married.”

“I know,” Yuuri acknowledged, taking Victor’s hands in his, “We are married, and even if the Russian government doesn’t accept that we’re married, they know we’re in a relationship. That’s going to cause trouble for you. That’s why you don’t want to try to take custody of the kids, isn’t it?”

Victor sighed wearily and gave a little nod.

“The laws are clear. Although as a single man, I could adopt the children, I am a celebrity who engaged in a public marriage ceremony with another man. No judge would give me custody of the children after that, even if…”

Victor paused and closed his eyes, paling.

“I could…” Yuuri began.

“ _Nyet_!” Victor snapped, cutting him off, “Don’t even say something like that to me, Yuuri!”

“But Victor…Liev and Akilina…”

“Yuuri, I won’t be forced to choose between you and the children. I would die first! I won’t let myself be put in that position.”

Yuuri gave his husband a deeply troubled look.

“I think you know, deep down, that it could very well come to that. Wait…I’m not saying that I would ever leave you, just…we might have to consider how things might have to change so that we could all be together.”

Victor bit his lip gently and let out a soft, defeated sigh.

“You mean leaving Russia, don’t you?” he mused, “I don’t really want to do that, not while I am still skating with Yakov as my coach. Everything I know is here. I just…don’t know if I could.”

“I understand,” Yuuri assured him, “As much as I know you loved your visit to Japan, you seem very connected to the people you grew up with here. I get how it would be hard to leave. Anyway, it’s late. Why don’t we get some sleep and talk more when we’re rested?”

“I think that is a very good idea,” Victor agreed, slipping an arm around him and kissing him tenderly, “It’s been a difficult day. I’m so tired now. I feel exhausted.”

Yuuri nodded.

“I’ll go make some soothing tea for us while you get settled in,” he offered.

“Thank you, _solnyshko_ ,” Victor sighed gratefully.

As Yuuri headed for the kitchen, Victor walked back to the guest rooms and gave each child a goodnight kiss before returning to the master suite to wait for his husband. He slipped out of his clothes, laying them over a chair, then he frowned and glanced at his dresser. He hated wearing pajamas, but he put them on anyway in case there might be an emergency during the night, then he climbed into the bed to wait for Yuuri. Sighing again, he placed his hands behind his head and gazed up at the ceiling, his mind replaying what had happened after the memorial.

_“Vitya,” Larina said quietly, earning a guarded look from Victor as he stood with Patya’s parents and their lawyer, just inside the cemetery gates, “we are going now, but Renat and I want to assure you that we do mean what we said before. I think that if you give consideration to the loss that all of us have suffered, you will see that care must be taken that the children do not suffer from the same confusion that their father did.”_

_“And I have told you that I also think they should be protected from confusion, but I think we disagree on what the source of Patya’s confusion was.”_

_“Come now,” Renat argued, “You know that you confused Patya with the way you represented yourself as a very feminine man when you were younger. While we are glad to see that you are embracing normality more now, you still live with a man, and one with whom you had a pretend wedding.”_

_“My wedding to Yuuri was plenty real, I assure you,” Victor snapped angrily, “While it is not considered a legal wedding in Russia, it is legal where we obtained it. Just because Russia does not recognize it, doesn’t mean that our marriage is a lie. Yuuri is my husband in every way that matters.”_

_“You must listen to reason,” Larina said stridently, “Renat and I do not want to make things any harder for you, but we will do what our hearts tell us we must. We are going to seek custody of the children, and I am sure we will obtain it over a gay man and his lover, and two people who pander to such nonsense!”_

_Victor gritted his teeth, noting that Yuuri had spotted him and was heading his way._

_“Listen,” he hissed in Russian, “you need to stop this now. I am doing everything I can so that all of us can heal from this loss of Patya, but…if you don’t stop…if you take me to court, none of us will win…not you, not me, not Filip and Eva, and not the children. I am not going to accept custody anyway.”_

_“You’re not?” Larina mused, giving him a surprised look as Yuuri reached them._

_“Vitya,” the Japanese skater panted in English, “are you okay?”_

_“I am fine,” Victor said shortly, slipping a hand into Yuuri’s, “Let’s go.”_

_“Vitya,” Renat said, meeting the skater’s narrowed eyes and laying a hand on his arm to stop him, “you understand that even hiding behind Filip and Eva will not be enough. We are going to sue for custody and we will win. If you are not willing to admit your part in our son’s death and mend your ways, then we will have no choice but to keep you from seeing the children at all. You know the laws in Russia favor us. If you try to take custody, no judge will grant you, a gay man, the right, and if you try to have Filip and Eva help you, we will expose what you are doing.”_

_“And I told you,” Victor said in a low, warning voice, “that the only thing you will do is to destroy the only peace that all of us know. It should be enough that the children will be with Filip and Eva and not with Yuuri and me.”_

_“But, we don’t know that at all,” Larina insisted, “and as it stands, we have no ability to see our own grandchildren. How can you think that is right?”_

_“You want to see them?” Victor asked sharply, “then make plans to spend time with Filip, Eva and the children, but do not try to take them away. I swear to you, it will make a nightmare for all of us!”_

_“What do you mean?” Renat said sarcastically, “I think you mean to discourage us, but it won’t work.”_

_“I am not trying to discourage you!” Victor managed in an exasperated voice, “I am trying to save all of us unnecessary pain!”_

_“Explain yourself!” Larina demanded, “If you are not just trying to scare us, then tell us why you are…”_

_“I don’t owe you an explanation!” Victor shouted in Russian, “I don’t owe either of you a goddamned thing! You took everything away from me already! You made Patya hate himself, so that he would leave me, convinced him to marry an asexual woman and have children with her, and you drove him mad so that when he couldn’t handle all of the lies, he lost control and killed himself! I am telling you for the last time, let this be the end of it. You have already destroyed Patya’s happiness, Letya’s and mine! You can have supervised visitation with the children, but you will absolutely never gain custody.”_

_“Are you saying that you will defy a court order, Mr. Nikiforov?” the Pechkin’s lawyer asked, frowning._

_Victor met the man’s eyes icily._

_“I am saying that you will not win in court. You can’t.”_

_“But you will not explain why?”_

_“No.”_

_“Then, we have no choice but to carry forward.”_

Victor’s eyes slid closed and he breathed slowly to try to slow his heart that had begun to pound at the return of the memory.

_Oh god, I have to say it out loud. I have to tell Yuuri. I don’t want to. I don’t want it to be true. All of this time, I consoled myself with the knowledge that this painful truth could be hidden, and that all of us who needed that lie the three of us told…could have the peace that it offered._

_Still, if I have to be honest? There was never peace for me._

_Whether the truth remains hidden or is revealed, I still feel its sting. I still know._

Tears flooded his eyes and leaked onto his face.

“Oh, Vitya!” Yuuri whispered, startling him.

He heard the tea tray being set on the nightstand and the bed moved, then he and Yuuri were on their knees with their arms entwined around each other. Their lips crashed together and they sank into a torrent of desperate kisses while tears continued to roll down Victor’s flushed cheeks.

_Maybe I understand now why Patya couldn’t bring himself to just ask me to help him. Sometimes there are truths that are too horrible and painful to unleash aloud._

_Like this one._

_It’s not that Yuuri wouldn’t understand or that he couldn’t accept it. It’s that once it escapes, there will be so many people who misunderstand and misconstrue what happened. There are only the raw facts, and I am the only one who was there to witness what really happened. I am going to have to speak that miserable truth in front of a judge, in front of Patya and Letya’s parents, in front of Yuuri…and then everything will come crashing down._

_I know what it will look like, what a lot of people are likely to think, and I would do anything to go back and somehow tell Patya that the lies weren’t necessary. I would go back and tell him that I would willingly help him. If I could go back, I would do more to comfort him and to make him talk to me._

_Could I save Patya’s life if I could go back?_

But he knew it was a useless question. Instead, Victor forced his eyes open and pulled back slightly to look into Yuuri’s calm, gentle sad expression.

_Yuuri is sitting here, wanting to help me like I wanted to help Patya. He is only desiring to know what he can do to comfort me. Patya couldn’t open up. He couldn’t share the worst of himself with anyone._

_But, I am not Patya, and I will not walk the doomed path that he did._

_It may not be easy, but I will choose to do what I feel is the right thing. I will force myself to be truthful and take the consequences of that truth. It will be painful, like pulling a band-aid off of a still oozing wound, but we will not heal well if we do not drain out the bad things._

“Vitya,” Yuuri said softly, “I’m really getting worried for you. Please tell me what’s eating away at you.”

_He knows…maybe not what it is, but that something is there._

“I know you.”

_Yes, I have opened up with Yuuri Katsuki in a way I never could with anyone else._

“I know this is even more than losing Patya.”

_Yuuri sees through me._

“Something has been eating away at you for awhile. Maybe it goes back pretty far.”

_He senses what I can’t say._

“It’s all right. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m here for you, okay?

_He is there for me in the way I wish I could have been there for Patya, and that’s why…_

“It’s okay.”

_It will be okay._

_I will be okay._

_I will put myself back together and I will take care of the children…our children, even if they cannot live with me. With Yuuri, I can get through this, and I don’t have to do it alone._

_The words._

_I have to say them._

“Yuuri, there is…something I have to tell you.”

He put his lips to his husband’s earlobe and loosed the wicked truth softly as Yuuri’s brown eyes rounded and filled with shock, then flooded with sympathy and tears of understanding and acceptance. Victor wasn’t sure how long he rested against Yuuri, all of the fight gone from his body and feeling ragged and exhausted, but at some point, a little sigh escaped him and he laid down and curled into his lover’s arms, feeling something unexpected.

_It feels lighter._

_The weight is so much lighter when we share it._


End file.
